Should I Stay or Should I Go? Navigating the Marriage Crossroads with Expert Betsy Pake

You know that feeling when you're lying awake at 2 AM, staring at the ceiling, asking yourself the same question that's been haunting you for months—maybe years: "Should I stay or should I go?"

It's one of the most isolating places to be. You feel stuck in what feels like relationship purgatory, not fully in your marriage but not ready to leave either. If this sounds familiar, you're definitely not alone.

I recently had an incredible conversation with Betsy Pake, midlife change expert and host of "The Art of Living Big" podcast, about exactly this topic. Our discussion was so rich with insights that I knew I had to share it with you. Whether you're questioning your marriage, feeling stuck in indecision, or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers practical wisdom and hope.

Watch our full conversation here:

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The Hidden Cost of Relationship Purgatory

Betsy described something that stopped me in my tracks: she calls that indecisive space "purgatory"—and it's more accurate than calling it limbo. As she put it, "everything feels on fire" when you're stuck in this space.

Here's what really hit me: the longer you stay in this purgatory, the better you become at ignoring the truth. And that truth isn't just about your relationship—it starts affecting everything else in your life.

Think about it this way: you only have so much energy each day. When you're using most of it to cope, avoid, and maintain something that doesn't feel right, you're left drained for everything else. The hobbies fall away. You stop returning friends' calls. You show up smaller in your career. You model for your children what it looks like to sweep things under the rug.

It's not just about the marriage anymore—it's about how you're showing up in every area of your life.

Your Brain is Working Against You (And That's Normal)

One of the most validating things Betsy shared is this: our brains are literally designed to keep us exactly where we are. Your unconscious mind doesn't know you're miserable—it just knows you're alive, and it's going to work overtime to keep you in that "safe" familiar place.

This is why she says it takes such an act of bravery to do something different. You're not just fighting your circumstances—you're fighting biology. You're working against a cognitive bias that says "better the devil you know."

Understanding this removes so much shame from the process. If you've been stuck for months or even years, it's not because you're weak or indecisive. It's because you're human, and humans are wired for survival, not necessarily for happiness.

The Difference Between Intuition and Denial

So how do you know if what you're feeling is genuine intuition telling you it's time to go, or just normal marriage struggles that every couple faces?

Betsy shared the most beautiful analogy. Years ago, when her beloved dog was dying, the vet told her: "Look back on a week and notice if she had more good days than bad days. Notice if there were more struggles or more joy."

Apply this to your relationship:

• At the end of each day, was it filled with more struggle or more joy?

• At the end of each week, how do you feel about your relationship?

• When you reflect on the past month, what's the overall tone?

  
  

This isn't about perfection—no relationship is joyful every single day. But the pattern matters. The trajectory matters.

Starting Small: The Mushroom Revolution

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was when Betsy talked about starting with the smallest possible choices to begin reclaiming your sense of agency.

Her example? "Everyone's having chicken for dinner and I always make chicken and I love chicken with mushrooms and nobody likes mushrooms, but I'm going to make it with the mushrooms anyway because I like it."

It sounds silly, but it's brilliant. When you've been shrinking yourself for years, making even tiny choices for yourself starts to retrain your brain that you matter, that your preferences count, that you get to have a say in your own life.

She shared another example: taking a different route to Target just because she wanted to, despite her daughter saying the straight route was faster. "I want to make a choice for me," she said. "There are 500 different ways I could get to that store, but I want to make a choice for me."

These small acts of self-advocacy build the muscle you'll need for bigger decisions.

The Story You're Telling Yourself

Here's something Betsy said that completely reframed how I think about change: "It's all a story. It depends on what story you're telling yourself."

She's not dismissing real pain or real problems. She's pointing out that our perception of what's happening—the meaning we assign to it—has enormous power over our experience.

You can take something difficult that's happening and use it as material to heal and grow, or you can use it to confirm that you're stuck and powerless. The facts might be the same, but the story you tell yourself about those facts determines everything.

This is where her "Mirror, Mentor, Move" process comes in:

• Mirror: Use what's happening as a reflection to understand what's going on inside you

• Mentor: Ask what you can learn from this experience

• Move: Take that learning and move forward differently

  
  

The Midlife Factor

Making the decision to leave a marriage in your 40s, 50s, or beyond feels different than making it in your 20s or 30s. There's more history, more entanglement, more complex logistics. But there's also something else Betsy named that really struck me.

When she got divorced in her early 30s, she figured she'd probably find another partner and grow old with someone. Getting divorced in her 50s meant potentially making peace with being alone—and that required a different kind of grieving process.

"I had to redo all of that in my head and say, 'Who am I in this story? And if I was the main character in that story, how does she move forward?'"

This isn't about settling for less—it's about getting really clear about what you want because, as she put it, "this isn't infinite." You don't have unlimited time to figure it out.

The Exercise That Changes Everything

At the end of our conversation, Betsy shared the practice that consistently helps her clients cut through confusion: visiting your 94-year-old self.

Imagine yourself at 94, surrounded by family and friends, at the end of a life well-lived. Ask her: "What would you do right now? What would you wish I had done? If you lived a life that you love and are proud of, what did I do in this moment?"

As she said, "We have all that wisdom inside of us. It's just covered up with everybody else's expectations and thoughts and desires and needs and everything we think we're supposed to do."

Your 94-year-old self has lived through it all. She knows what matters. She knows what you'll regret more—taking the risk or playing it safe. She knows whether the relationship was worth fighting for or whether you needed to find the courage to leave.

Trust her. She's wearing fabulous kimonos and has zero time for anything that doesn't serve your highest good.

Why Confusion is Actually Good News

Here's the mindset shift that might change everything: when Betsy's clients say they're confused, she says "Yay!" Because confusion means anything is possible. It means you're learning, you're doing something different.

If you weren't confused, you'd know exactly what to do and you'd probably already be doing it. Confusion is the space where transformation happens.

Moving Forward from Here

Whether you're in month two or year twenty of questioning your marriage, remember this: you're not broken for being here. This crossroads, this purgatory, this confusion—it's all part of the process.

Start small. Make the chicken with mushrooms. Take the scenic route. Visit your 94-year-old self. Begin to reclaim your sense of agency in tiny ways.

"The biggest and most important relationship you will ever have will be with yourself."

That relationship deserves your attention, your honesty, and your courage—whatever direction that leads you.

Ready to explore what's next for you? Whether you're leaning toward working on your marriage or considering separation, getting clear on your options serves you either way. Book a consultation with me to discuss how preparation can help you make informed decisions about your future.

Related Reading:

→ Setting Powerful Divorce Goals - Whether you stay or go, having clarity on what you want serves you.

→ 11 Things To Do ASAP If You're Considering Divorce - Practical steps for getting informed about your options.