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Healing After Divorce: A Conversation with Relationship Coach Kim Polander
In this enlightening conversation, I sat down with relationship coach Kim Polinder to discuss the emotional journey through separation and divorce. Kim's expertise shines through as she offers practical guidance for navigating one of life's most challenging transitions.
Understanding Relationship Patterns
One of the most valuable insights from our conversation centers on identifying the patterns that lead to relationship breakdown. Kim emphasizes the importance of addressing resentments, which often serve as breadcrumbs leading back to our deepest triggers and patterns.
"When you have the big fights, there's always going to be something that gets brought in," Kim explains. These recurring arguments often reveal our core wounds and what we're ultimately seeking from a partner.
The Role of Therapy in Relationship Crossroads
For couples at a crossroads, Kim strongly advocates for professional support. "Why not try it?" she asks about couples therapy. "It always helps to get a neutral third party into the room who's been trained to hear certain things."
She points out how arguments typically escalate from surface issues (like household chores) to deeper concerns about feeling unappreciated or disconnected. A trained professional can help couples identify these underlying dynamics and facilitate more productive conversations.
Common Mistakes During Divorce
When asked about the most common mistakes people make during divorce, Kim's answer was immediate: how they involve the children.
"The number one regret is how they involved the children," she shares. "It takes an immense amount of self-control" not to engage in negative talk about your ex-partner, especially if they're speaking poorly about you.
Kim advises parents to "play the long game" with children. Even if they temporarily turn against you or blame you for the divorce, maintaining your integrity and empathy will pay dividends in your relationship over time.
Addressing Shame and Grief in Divorce
The conversation touched on the significant shame that still surrounds divorce, despite its prevalence in society. Kim offers valuable insight for those struggling with shame, suggesting that people most debilitated by shame often have patterns that have played out in other areas of their life.
"This is a real opportunity to see how you can perceive yourself, get a sense of self in a different way," she explains, encouraging introspection about how shame has been conditioned throughout one's life.
Kim also cautions against rushing into new relationships without properly grieving. "One of the regrets of divorce is not grieving or not taking an introspective time," she notes. Without this important step, we often recreate the same patterns in future relationships.
Preventing Second Divorces
With statistics showing higher divorce rates for second marriages, we discussed how to break this cycle. Kim recommends understanding your deepest triggers and patterns that you bring into relationships.
"Understand what your deepest pattern is and what you're seeking and resolving from childhood," she advises. Without recognizing these patterns, you'll likely continue attracting similar partners and recreating similar dynamics.
This involves clarifying your values and maintaining your integrity by staying true to them. As Kim says, "Integrity is being able to stick to your values. But what are those values?"
Navigating the Grief Process
Even in amicable separations, grief is a natural part of the process. Kim emphasizes the importance of understanding how grief works - it can hit unexpectedly, even years later, and that's completely normal.
She recommends creating rituals to help with closure, such as writing letters (even if never sent) or visiting places you used to enjoy together. Most importantly, she stresses the value of processing grief with supportive people rather than in isolation.
When Boundaries Aren't Respected
One viewer asked about handling situations where boundaries have been communicated but consistently broken. Kim's answer highlights a sobering reality: "Your partner is satisfied with your relationship...it's the hard truth."
After trying various approaches - books, videos, counseling - you may need to accept that your partner doesn't want to change. "You are left with a decision," Kim states, acknowledging that while relationships involve complex factors like finances and children, ultimately you must decide what to do with this information.
Moving Forward
Throughout our conversation, Kim's compassionate approach to relationship healing shines through. Whether you're considering divorce, actively going through the process, or healing afterward, her insights offer valuable guidance for navigating these challenging waters with greater awareness and self-compassion.
Want to learn more from Kim Polinder? Check out her website for additional resources on relationship coaching, attachment styles, and managing high-conflict situations.
Need support with your divorce preparation? Learn about Alex Beattie's coaching program and book a free 15 minute strategy call to discuss how our resources and coaching to help you navigate this transition with confidence.