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Navigating a high-conflict divorce can feel beyond impossible at times. Whether you're going through the negotiation process and every email and doc you get is LOADED with passive/aggressive triggers, or maybe you're trying to communicate with your co-parent and you're feeling shell-shocked by the constant barrage of attacks, or maybe you've been trying to communicate with your soon-to-be-ex and find that no matter what you say, things end up getting heated.
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Whatever your high-conflict dynamic is remember that there are tools you can implement that will make a world of difference! With the right approach, you can maintain your sanity and protect your interests.
Here are 10 essential tips that can help you to navigate a high-conflict divorce:
1. Understand the Dynamics
First and foremost, define what high-conflict divorce means to you. It's a situation where one or both partners engage in emotional, psychological, physical, or even financial abuses, as recommended in the above chat The Divorce Planner's Alex Beattie had recently with Texas based Jan & Jillian Yuhas (M.A., MFT) of Divorce Family Mediation (You can watch or listen to the full conversation above!). Having a clear understanding allows you to outline strategies carefully.
Do This:
List any high-conflict behaviors you encounter and note how they make you feel. This will help you identify patterns and assess your next steps with clarity.
2. Prioritize Self-Care and Emotional Regulation
You can't pour from an empty cup, so remember to prioritize self-love. Maintaining emotional regulation is crucial while dealing with high-conflict personalities. Stick to a routine that nurtures not just your physical health, but also your emotional well-being.
Do This:
Schedule regular self-care activities that keep you grounded, like yoga, reading, or walks in nature. It's essential for your emotional regulation and overall well-being.
3. Embrace Logic, Not Emotions
In high-conflict situations, emotions often escalate the problem. Emphasize logic while communicating, as this can prevent you from being manipulated or responding without considering the long-term effects of firing back.
Do This:
Before responding to your soon-to-be-
ex, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Is this response logical and necessary?” If not, reconsider your words and wait to respond when you're in a thoughtful and clear headspace.
4. Document Everything
Keep a record of all communications, decisions, and agreements that occur. Documentation can help in showcasing patterns, providing evidence, and safeguarding your interests.
Do This:
Start a secure digital log where you can date and time-stamp all communications and relevant incidents. Keep all emails and texts so you can refer back to them and show a pattern if needed down the road.
5. Master the Art of Responsive Communication
Arming yourself with the right communication techniques like the Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm (BIFF) rule and asking discovery questions can help in keeping things objective. The goal is to remain emotionally calm and not fall into a defensive or argumentative trap.
Do This:
Practice BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) responses to keep exchanges concise and conflict-free. Practice what you're going to say, or role-play with a trusted friend, to improve your technique.
6. Use Clear Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is critical during high-conflict divorces. Stick to the agreed-upon communication platforms and resist the urge to bend boundaries based on your spouse's whims.
Do This:
Start small. Write down your non-negotiables when it comes to communication and interactions with your ex. When pushed, refer back to these to stay within your comfort zone. Saying "It's not okay to speak to me that way" is clear and simple, and doesn't require anymore explanation. If the other person continues to push you then table the conversation for a later date, or if it's over a text or email, do not respond.
7. Leverage Your Parenting Plan
Hold your high-conflict partner accountable by using your parenting plan effectively. Aim for decisions that prioritize your children's interest.
Do This:
If you've got kids, getting as detailed as possible in your parenting plan can be especially useful when dealing with a high conflict situation. Familiarize yourself with every aspect of your parenting plan, and pay special attention to areas where past conflicts have arisen (e.g. kid drop offs, discussing shared child expenses, etc.). Discuss these with your lawyer to strengthen enforceability.
8. Avoid Getting Drawn into Drama
The high-conflict personality type can be really manipulative. Avoid getting dragged into the drama by sticking to facts and minimizing emotional involvement.
Do This:
Create a personal mantra for when you feel pulled into drama. Reminding yourself to focus on what's in your control and don't allow yourself to get baited. Repeat this to keep centered.
9. Keep Agreements Simple and Concise
Ensure that all agreements are simple, concise, and easy to understand. The less room for interpretation, the less opportunity for further conflict.
Do This:
Documenting everything in an email between the two of you can come in handy down the road if one person's memory fades.
10. Consider Professional Help
Consider mediation if you are dealing with a high-conflict divorce. Mediation can be a less contentious, more collaborative way to resolve disputes. But, it’s important to choose someone skilled in dealing with high-conflict personalities.
Do This:
Beginning your journey through a high-conflict divorce can feel daunting, but it's essential to remember that preparation is the key to success. Investing your time now in establishing a solid plan, setting clear boundaries, and developing your communication skills can make a world of difference. With early planning, you arm yourself not just with knowledge, but with confidence and peace of mind.
Not sure where to begin? Let The Divorce Planner guide you through every step of the process. We offer easy-to-digest, relatable resources that empower you to take control of your situation at a cost that fits your budget. Take advantage of our extensive range of digital tools, one-on-one coaching, or the online course to get you ready so you to take your next steps with ease and clarity.
Armed with the right strategies, a composed mindset, and professional help when needed, you can emerge from the process not only better, but excited about what's next.