Trusting Your Instincts About Divorce: Why Your Gut Already Knows the Answer

There's no better feeling that knowing you can trust your gut.

When clients first reach out to me, they usually start with some version of this: "I don't know if I should get divorced. How do I figure out if it's the right decision?" But here's what I've learned after coaching hundreds of people through this exact question—deep down, they already know.

They're not really asking me to help them decide. They're asking for permission to trust what they already feel.

This hit me like a lightning bolt recently when I was listening to a Mel Robbins podcast about decision-making and intuition. She said something that made me literally stop what I was doing: "You already know the best decision for you... the problem isn't knowing what to do, it's finding the courage to make yourself do it."

You know that feeling when you're lying in bed at night and your spouse is sleeping next to you, but you feel more alone than if you were actually by yourself? You know it. That pit in your stomach when they walk in the room and you feel yourself shrink a little? You know it. The way you feel more like yourself when they're out of town? You absolutely know it.

Your gut has been trying to tell you something for months, maybe years. The question isn't whether you should trust it—it's whether you're ready to listen.

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Your Internal GPS is Already Working

Mel talked about intuition like it's an internal compass, constantly reading the energy around you and pointing you toward what's aligned with who you really are. I love this because it explains why you can walk into a room and immediately know something's off with someone, or why you met your best friend and just clicked instantly.

Your internal compass has been working overtime in your marriage, sending you signals about whether this relationship is heading toward your true north or taking you somewhere you don't want to go.

Let me ask you something: when you imagine staying married for five more years, how does that feel in your body? Really sit with it for a second. Does your chest feel open and expansive, or does it feel tight and constricted? Does the thought energize you or drain you?

Now flip it: when you imagine being divorced—yes, even with all the complications and challenges—what happens in your body? I'm not talking about the practical fears (we'll get to those), I'm talking about the deep, gut-level response.

Your body is giving you information. The question is whether you're ready to receive it.

The Wedding Story That Changed How I Think About Gut Instincts

In the episode, Mel shared this story that I can't stop thinking about. A guy wrote to her because he wanted to call off his wedding just weeks before the ceremony. He said he couldn't stop "shaking this feeling of dread" and that deep down, he was "afraid I'm making a huge mistake."

But then he listed all the reasons he couldn't cancel: the deposits, his parents' money, his fiancée's heart, everyone's expectations.

When I heard that story, I immediately thought about how many people I know who ignored those pre-wedding doubts and got married anyway. Guess what happened to most of them? They ended up in my office five to ten years later, saying, "I knew on my wedding day this was wrong, but I was too scared to stop it."

Your instincts don't lie. They might be inconvenient, they might complicate your life, they might disappoint other people—but they don't lie.

Why the "Right" Decision Often Feels Wrong

Here's something Robbins said that hit me right in the gut: "The right decision often feels wrong." Why? Because we're not afraid of the truth—we're afraid of the aftermath of telling the truth.

You're not afraid of being divorced. You're afraid of telling your parents, disappointing your kids, figuring out the money, starting over, being judged, admitting you "failed." Those are all valid concerns, but they're not decision-making concerns—they're planning concerns.

There's a huge difference between "What do I need to do?" and "How and when will I do it?"

Your gut tells you what you need to do. Your brain helps you figure out how and when.

I had a client—let's call her Jennifer—who came to me saying, "I know I need to leave, but I don't know how I'll afford it." We spent our first session separating those two things. Once she stopped trying to solve the "how" before accepting the "what," everything became clearer. She spent six months creating a financial plan, and then she filed. But the decision was actually made that first day when she stopped fighting what she already knew.

What Your Body Has Been Trying to Tell You

Your body is constantly giving you information about your relationship. The problem is, we've been taught to ignore it or override it with logic.

Pay attention this week:

• How do you feel when your spouse touches you? Not how you think you should feel—how do you actually feel?

• What happens to your energy when they leave the house versus when they come home?

• Do you find yourself making excuses to stay busy so you don't have to spend time together?

• When you're in social situations, do you feel like you're performing "happy couple" or actually being one?

  
  

I had a client tell me, "I realized I was holding my breath around him. Literally holding my breath. I didn't even know I was doing it until you asked me to pay attention."

Your nervous system knows what your mind is trying to rationalize away.

The Energy Reading Exercise

Another thing Mel shared was about how your internal compass reads magnetic energy, and I think this applies perfectly to relationships. You know how some people just have good energy and others feel draining? Your marriage has an energy too.

Try this: spend a week really tuning into the energy between you and your spouse.

• Is there genuine warmth or just polite functionality?

• Do conversations feel nourishing or like work?

• Is there playfulness or just efficiency?

• Do you feel seen and appreciated, or invisible and taken for granted?

Let's be clear, I'm not saying every marriage should feel like a rom-com. But there should be something there beyond just shared logistics and responsibility.

When Marriage Counseling Confirms What You Already Knew

Sometimes people come to me after trying marriage counseling, feeling guilty that it "didn't work." Here's what I tell them: sometimes therapy doesn't save your marriage—it clarifies why it can't be saved. That's not failure. That's information.

If you've been in counseling and you're still here reading this post, your gut is probably telling you something important. Maybe you're realizing that the problems aren't fixable because they're not really problems—they're incompatibilities. Maybe you're seeing that your spouse isn't actually committed to changing. Maybe you're recognizing that you've been trying to force feelings that just aren't there anymore.

All of that is valuable data, not evidence that you didn't try hard enough.

The Fear of Making the "Wrong" Decision

Here's something that might blow your mind: Robbins says there are no bad decisions when you understand the power of decisions. Every choice leads you somewhere and teaches you something.

Even if you stay married for another year and it helps you get absolute clarity that divorce is right—that wasn't the wrong decision. That was information gathering. Even if you get divorced and later think maybe you could have tried harder—you'll have learned invaluable things about yourself and relationships.

The only real mistake is staying paralyzed by the fear of making an imperfect choice while your life passes by on autopilot.

I tell my clients: the goal isn't to make the perfect decision. The goal is to make the most authentic and educated decision you can with the information you have right now, and then trust yourself to handle whatever comes next.

Why Preparing for Divorce Serves You Whether You Stay or Go

Here's something that might surprise you: I work with a lot of clients who aren't sure if divorce is their next step. And you know what I tell them? Preparing for the possibility of divorce serves you whether you ultimately stay married or decide to leave.

Think about it this way—you can't make an informed decision about your marriage without understanding what your alternatives actually look like. Right now, you might be staying in your marriage partly because divorce feels scary and unknown. But what if it's only scary because you don't have the information you need?

When you take the time to understand your financial picture, research your legal options, and get clear on what divorce would actually mean for your specific situation, something amazing happens: you stop making decisions from fear and start making them from knowledge.

I've had clients go through this preparation process and decide to recommit to their marriage—but this time with full intentionality, clear boundaries, and specific agreements about what needs to change. I've had others realize that divorce isn't as financially devastating as they thought, which gave them the courage to move forward.

The preparation serves you either way because it removes the fear of the unknown from the equation.

Here's what getting informed looks like:

• Understanding your complete financial picture (assets, debts, income, expenses)

• Learning about divorce laws and processes in your state

• Considering the implications for children if you have them

• Researching potential living arrangements and costs

• Understanding your earning potential and career options

• Building your support team (legal, financial, emotional)

This isn't about secretly planning your escape—it's about becoming an informed decision-maker about your own life.

I had a client once tell me, "Once I understood what divorce would actually look like financially, I realized I had been staying in my marriage out of fear, not love. That's when I knew I had to leave."

Both made informed decisions. Both got what they needed.

Trust Yourself—You're Stronger Than You Think

Making the decision to divorce requires trusting not just your instincts about what you need, but also your ability to handle whatever comes next.

You've already navigated difficult situations in your life. You've survived heartbreak, loss, major changes, and challenges you thought you couldn't handle at the time. You have evidence of your resilience, even if you can't see it right now.

As Mel put it, "part of making a decision is trusting your ability to handle whatever comes with it." You're not just deciding whether to get divorced—you're deciding to trust yourself.

The Real Talk About Following Your Gut

Following your instincts about divorce is scary. There will be moments of doubt, times when you wonder if you made a huge mistake, days when you miss the security of your old life even if it wasn't making you happy.

All of that is normal. The difference is, when you're living authentically—even when it's hard—you feel more alive. You feel like yourself again.

Your Next Step: Trust Your Instincts AND Get Informed

Your intuition about your marriage isn't random—it's your internal navigation system responding to real information about love, respect, connection, and compatibility. When that system consistently points toward a different path, it's worth paying attention.

Whether your gut is telling you to fight harder for your marriage, seek professional help, address specific issues, or explore your options—whatever it's telling you deserves to be heard rather than dismissed.

But here's the thing: you can honor your instincts AND be strategic about your choices. You can trust what you're feeling AND get the information you need to make the best decision for your future.

You're not broken for questioning your marriage. You're not selfish for wanting more. You're not ungrateful for recognizing that what you have isn't what you need. And you're not disloyal for getting informed about your options.

You're human. And humans deserve to make informed decisions about their lives, even when those decisions are complicated.

The question isn't whether you have good instincts—you do. The question is whether you're ready to trust them enough to get the information you need to act on them wisely.

Ready to move from trusting your instincts to taking action? Here are some resources to help you get started:

→ Setting Powerful Divorce Goals in 2025: Your Strategic Guide - Learn how to turn your instincts into actionable goals and create a strategic plan for your future.

→ 11 Things To Do ASAP If You're Considering Divorce - Essential preparation steps to take whether you're still deciding or ready to move forward.

→ The 5-5-5 Rule: Mastering Divorce Decisions for Long-Term Success - A strategic framework for making divorce decisions that benefit you both now and years from now.

→ How to Negotiate Your Divorce Like a Pro - Six essential tips for getting the outcome you want from your divorce process.

Ready to trust your instincts AND get the information you need? Whether you're leaning toward working on your marriage or exploring divorce, I can help you get clear on your options so you can make informed decisions. Book a consultation with me to discuss how to honor your instincts while understanding all your choices. Learn more about my coaching programs here.