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Divorce is a life altering event, and not just for you and your spouse, but for your children as well. Your family dynamic is changing, and kids need to know that they'll be safe and loved throughout this big transition.
As parents, it's so important to ensure that your children navigate this change as smoothly as possible. But being a guide through this process requires conscious steps to help your children cope, understand, and eventually thrive.
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Supporting Children During Divorce
Provide Consistency
Children thrive on routine and consistency. Amidst all of the changes that a divorce brings, like: housing, not seeing each parent 100% of the time, potential school changes, etc. -- maintaining a stable routine for your child can provide a sense of normalcy.
Try to keep daily routines as regular as possible, especially when it comes to school, extracurricular activities, and their social life.
Encourage Open Communication
Create a safe environment where your children can express their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to talk about their emotions and that you're there to listen without judgment. This open dialogue can help you gauge their concerns and address them promptly.
Reassure Your Children
One of the first casualties in the aftermath of divorce news can be a child’s sense of security. Constant reassurance is crucial. Make it clear that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and support them, no matter what.
PRO TIP! Kids may need to be reassured more than once, and they might act out if they aren't able to express themselves well, so you might be having this conversation more than once. That's normal! Be patient.
Consistency Across Households
As much as possible, synchronize household rules and routines. When children know what to expect in either home, it reduces anxiety and confusion. Clear, consistent guidelines regarding discipline, bedtime routines, and even screen time can make transitions between homes smoother.
Create Personal Spaces
In each home, ensure your children have a space that feels entirely their own. This might mean setting up a special corner in their room with their favorite books, toys, or comfort items. It's about creating a sense of belonging, wherever they are.
Streamlined Scheduling
Avoid last-minute schedule changes and ensure both parents are on the same page with activities and logistics. Tools like shared online calendars can help manage schedules effectively, so both you and your children can keep track of school events, doctor’s appointments, and extracurricular activities.
Pro Tip! Consult with your pediatrician for more resources and tips on how to prepare and then share the news of your divorce with your children.
Sharing the News of Your Divorce
Breaking the news that you and your spouse are going to be separating or divorcing can feel really scary and overwhelming-- for both you and your kids. Before even considering breaking the news of your split with your kids, take time to prepare.
Here are some early actions to take to ease the process for everyone:
Choose the Right Moment
Finding the right time to talk about divorce with your children is crucial. Choose a moment when they're most likely to feel secure and receptive. If you can, ensure that both parents are present during this conversation to show unity in the decision and to support each other in explaining the situation.
Pro Tip! Practice what you're going to say a few times before having "the talk." You'll feel more sure about what to say, and you'll be able to be more present for your children instead of worrying what you're going to say.
Keep It Age-Appropriate
Your explanation should suit the child’s age and maturity level. Younger children need simpler, clearer explanations, while teenagers might require more details and may ask more in-depth questions.
Explain How Things Will Work Moving Forward
Kids want to know that there is a plan and you're in charge. While it’s essential to address the immediate changes that will occur, also talk about what will remain stable in their lives. Highlight that family, love, and care will continue despite the structural changes.
Books to Aid Discussion
Using books can be an effective way to help children understand and process the concept of divorce. Here are some age-appropriate recommendations:
For Young Children (Ages 3-5):
"Two Homes" by Claire Masurel
"Standing on My Own Two Feet" by Tamara Schmitz
For Children (Ages 6-9):
"Dinosaurs Divorce" by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
"My Family's Changing" by Pat Thomas
Preteens (Ages 10-12):
"The Divorce Express" by Paula Danziger
"It's Not the End of the World" by Judy Blume
Pro Tip! Consult with your local librarian for more reading resources!
Two final thoughts...
Co-Parent Well
Efficient co-parenting centers on respect and cooperation. Always speak positively or neutrally about your ex-spouse in front of your children. Make decisions together about the kids, showing that even though your marriage has ended, your joint responsibility as parents continues.
Choosing the Right Parenting Time Split
The key is to find a schedule that feels fair to both parents but most importantly, serves the best interest of the children. Consider factors like each parent's work schedule, children’s school and activity locations, and where extended family lives. Flexibility is important—what works now may need to be adjusted as children grow and circumstances change.
Navigating divorce with children in tow isn’t about finding a quick fix; it’s an ongoing process of reassurance, adaptation, and mindful communication. With the right approach and tools, however, you can help minimize the stress of the transition for your children and build a stable foundation for the next chapter of your family life.
Remember, every family's journey is unique, but you're not alone in this. At The Divorce Planner, we are committed to supporting you through every step, providing you with the tools and guidance to manage not just your own transition, but also to empower your children to handle this change with resilience and positivity.
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