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Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex: How To Protect Your Peace As A Single Mom | Video Interview
- Alex Beattie
- Dec 22, 2025
- 5 min read
Updated: Feb 6
How to Co-Parent with a High-Conflict Ex: Strategies That Actually Work
If you're co-parenting with someone who's high-conflict or toxic, you know how exhausting it is.
You're juggling custody schedules, managing big emotions, and trying not to fall into old patterns that kept you stuck for so long.
I sat down with certified divorce coach Leah Marie Mazur to talk about what actually works when you're dealing with a narcissistic, manipulative, or just flat-out difficult co-parent. Watch the full conversation above, and read on for the key takeaways.
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The Reality Check
Here's the truth: if your ex is high-conflict, they thrive on chaos. They love pushing your buttons. They love trying to ruin your plans.
Last-minute schedule changes? Check. Showing up late (or not at all)? Check. Using the kids as messengers? Check.
The key isn't trying to change them—you can't. The key is having a plan A, plan B, and maybe even a plan C so you're not scrambling when they inevitably try to throw a wrench in everything.
Focus on What You Can Control
This is your mantra: Focus on what you can control. High-conflict people thrive on chaos. They want you engaged in their madness. They want the reaction.
Your job? Don't give it to them.
Focus on you and your kids. Focus on what's happening in your house. Focus on creating stability and peace in the spaces you do control.
Everything else? Not your circus. Not your monkeys.
Boundaries Aren't What You Think
Most people think a boundary is about telling someone else what to do. It's not.
A boundary is about deciding what YOU will do.
You'll never have control over what your ex says, does, how they parent, or how they show up. But you can control your response.
Examples:
"If you speak to me this way, I will not have phone conversations with you."
"If you show up late, you won't have access to the kids for the time you missed. I won't be home waiting."
"If you send abusive messages, I won't respond."
The boundary is the consequence YOU enforce.
And don't announce your boundaries. The moment you tell a high-conflict person "I'm setting a boundary," you've just given them a new target. Just implement it quietly and consistently.
Keep Communication Minimal and Strategic
Only engage when it's absolutely necessary and child-focused.
They're going to bait you. They're going to send long emails. They're going to try to start fights. Don't take the bait.
Keep your communication:
Clear
Concise
Emotionless
Child-focused only
Think of it like a business transaction. You're not friends. You're not partners. You're co-managers of your children's wellbeing, and that's it.
And remember: not every message deserves a response. Sometimes no response IS the response—and it's the most powerful one.
Document Everything
Even if your divorce is finalized, if your ex is violating the agreement, showing up late constantly, or engaging in harmful behavior—document it.
Screenshots. Emails. A simple spreadsheet tracking patterns.
Why? Because if you ever need to go back to court, you need receipts. The judge wants evidence, not he-said, she-said.
Do this quietly. Don't announce it. Just do it consistently.
Write down what you're going to say in advance and practice it. When you know your phrases, it becomes second nature. You're not scrambling. You're not getting emotionally flooded.
Examples:
"That doesn't work for us."
"I'm not discussing this right now."
"Per our agreement, pickup is at 5 PM."
"This conversation is over."
Practice these until they feel conversational, not combative.
The Mom Guilt Is Real—But Misguided
You might feel like you should take the high road. Be more flexible. More accommodating. But here's the thing: you need radical acceptance of who you're dealing with.
If your ex is truly high-conflict or narcissistic, they're never going to put the kids first. They're never going to want to be on the same page. In their narrative, you're always the problem and they're always the victim.
That's never going to stop.
The boundaries you're setting? The way you're treating this like a business transaction? That's to create less chaos for you and your kids.
You're not being cold. You're protecting your children from unnecessary drama.
Your kids are watching everything
They're watching you either tolerate or not tolerate disrespect. They're learning how to set boundaries based on what you're modeling. They're watching how you process difficult feelings.
Are you drinking too much? Doom scrolling? Or are you going for walks, working with a therapist, taking care of yourself?
Because your ex is not the last toxic person your kids will encounter. They're going to deal with toxic teachers, friends, bosses. The skills you're teaching them now about navigating difficult people? Those are life skills.
Show them how to do it.
When They Try to Weaponize the Kids
This is one of the most painful parts. Your ex might use the kids as messengers, say things that aren't true, or try to make them feel guilty.
You can't control what happens at the other house. But you CAN control what happens in yours.
When your kids are with you, do they feel safe? Can they be themselves? Can they come to you with questions?
That's what you can control.
And when they come home repeating things they heard at the other house—listen without getting defensive. Keep a neutral face.
You can say:
"How did that make you feel?"
"Do you have questions for me?"
"That's not how I remember it, but I'm happy to talk about it."
"He's entitled to his opinion, just like you're entitled to yours."
Then move on. Touch on it, validate them, redirect.
And if they're acting out on transition days? That's because they're settling into a place that feels safe. Don't take it personally. Give them grace.
One Thing You Can Do Right Now
Write down one boundary you need to enforce and decide what the consequence will be.Not what you're going to tell your ex to do. What YOU will do when they cross that line.
Then stick to it. Every single time.
The Long Game
Co-parenting with a high-conflict ex is a marathon, not a sprint.
You're going to mess up. You're going to fall back into old patterns. That's okay.
What matters is that you keep coming back to the principles:
Focus on what you can control
Set and enforce boundaries
Only engage when necessary
Model healthy behavior
Protect your peace
You're not just surviving this. You're teaching your kids how to navigate difficult people with dignity and self-respect.
That's a gift that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
About Leah Marie Mazur
Leah is a certified divorce coach who specializes in helping women navigate high-conflict divorces and co-parenting. Find her on Instagram @mindfullyready for practical strategies and support.
Ready to start preparing? Sign up for my free 4-email divorce prep series. I'll walk you through exactly what to do emotionally, financially, administratively, and practically—so you can move forward with confidence and clarity.
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