Divorce Curious: The Stage No One Talks About (But Everyone Goes Through)

What exactly is"divorce curious"?

That's the stage when you first realize your marriage could end in divorce. After years of saying "I would never divorce" or "if you leave me I'm coming with you" suddenly it dawns on you that divorce could be an option.

Maybe it's been building for years. Maybe something recently shifted. Either way, you're in that uncomfortable in-between place where you know things aren't working, but you don't know what to do about it.

Here's what I want you to know: being "divorce curious" really means you're ready to educate yourself.

And this is exactly the right time to start educating yourself – to understand your options so you can make informed decisions from a place of clarity instead of fear.

Educating isn't the same as deciding. It's giving yourself the power to choose consciously.

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What Does "Divorce Curious" Actually Mean?

I haven't seen other divorce professionals use this term, but I think we need it. Because there's a massive gap between "happily married" and "filing for divorce" that nobody talks about.

Being divorce curious means you're in the exploration phase. You're not actively planning to leave. You're not meeting with attorneys yet (though you might be googling them at 2 AM).

You're in that space where divorce has moved from "absolutely not" to "maybe" to "I wonder what that would look like."

It's the stage where:

• You notice yourself thinking about what life would be like single

• You're more aware of divorced friends and how they're doing

• You're paying attention to conversations about divorce in a way you never did before

• You're researching online but clearing your browser history

• You're wondering if your feelings are normal or if you should try harder

  
  

Sound familiar? You're not alone in this stage.

How Common Is Being Divorce Curious?

The research on this is eye-opening. According to a study from the Institute for Family Studies, one in four married people have thought about divorce in the last six months. That's 25% of married individuals actively contemplating whether their marriage should continue.

But here's what really matters: 37% of married people who are thinking about divorce have been thinking about it for two years or more. Another 16% have been in this contemplation stage for one to two years.

Yes, more than half of people considering divorce have been thinking about it for over a year.

There's an old narrative out there that people who divorce have rushed into it, being short sighted and they haven't "tried everything", instead they're "throwing their marriage away." More oftne than not, this couldn't be farther from the truth.

This isn't a rash decision people are making. The "divorce curious" stage can last a really long time, especially in long-term marriages where you've built an entire life together.

Why The "Divorce Curious" Stage Lasts Longer in Long-Term Marriages

If you've been married 10, 15, 20+ years, the divorce curious stage often extends much longer than it does for couples married just a few years. And that makes complete sense.

When you've been together for decades, you're not just considering ending a relationship.

You're contemplating:

• Dismantling a shared financial life that took years to build

• Splitting retirement accounts you've been contributing to for two decades

• Dividing a family home filled with memories

• Navigating co-parenting with someone you've raised children with for years

• Potentially starting over in your 40s, 50s, or 60s

• Losing the family identity and social circle you've built together

The stakes are higher. The logistics are more complex. The history is deeper.

Research shows that thoughts about divorce remain pretty steady at about 25% of married individuals up until about 15 years of marriage. After 15-20 years, those thoughts actually start to decline – but that doesn't mean people in long marriages don't think about divorce. It just means some have either worked through it or resigned themselves to staying.

For gray divorce (divorce after age 50), the rate has doubled since the 1990s. These aren't quick decisions. These are people who've been "divorce curious" for years, sometimes decades, before finally acting.

The Divorce Curious Stage Isn't About Giving Up

Being divorce curious doesn't mean you've given up on your marriage. And it learning more about it doesn't mean you're dooming your relationship.

What's wrong with being proactive and educating yourself? Nothing. We do this in other areas of life, so why should it be any different when it comes to divorce?

In the Institute for Family Studies research, 43% of people thinking about divorce said they didn't actually want a divorce and were willing to work hard on the marriage. Another 23% said they'd work on it if their spouse made important changes.

Only 5% said they were "done with the marriage." 5%!

Most people in the divorce curious stage are still hoping things can improve. They're just also, for the first time, acknowledging that divorce might be a possibility if things don't change.

Realated Reading: Trusting Your Instincts About Divorce: Why Your Gut Already Knows the Answer

What Happens During The Divorce Curious Stage

The divorce curious stage usually involves a lot of internal processing:

You're gathering information. You're reading articles like this one. You're listening to podcasts about divorce. You're noticing what friends who've been through it are saying. You're learning about the divorce process in your state, even if you're not ready to file.

You're testing the waters emotionally. You're imagining scenarios. What would it be like to live alone? How would holidays work? Could you afford it? What would you tell your kids? You're mentally rehearsing a future you're not sure you want.

You're looking for signs. Every interaction with your spouse becomes data. Is this fixable? Is this a pattern or a bad day? Am I overreacting or finally seeing clearly?

You're weighing the options. Staying has pros and cons. Leaving has pros and cons. You're trying to figure out which list is longer and which items matter most.

You're probably not talking about it yet. Only 40% of people thinking about divorce have discussed it with their spouse. The other 60% are processing alone, which is why this stage can feel so isolating.

Why Education Matters More Than Decision During This Stage

When I work with clients who are divorce curious (and a good number of them are in this catagory), I don't push them toward a decision. That's not my job. My job is to help them educate themselves so that whatever they decide, they're doing it from a place of knowledge and power rather than fear and confusion.

Education during the divorce curious stage looks like:

• Understanding your financial reality. Do you know what assets exist in your marriage? Do you have access to account statements? Do you understand what your financial life would look like post-divorce? Most people don't, and that unknown keeps them stuck in fear.

  
  

• Learning about your legal options. What does divorce look like in your state? What are the different processes (mediation, collaborative, litigation)? What would you likely be entitled to? You don't need to hire an attorney yet, but you should understand how the law works.

  
  

• Exploring your emotional patterns. Is this a marriage worth fighting for? Are there patterns that could be changed with the right help? Or are you dealing with fundamental incompatibility, abuse, addiction, or other issues that won't be fixed with couple's therapy?

  
  

• Getting clear on your values and priorities. What do you need to feel fulfilled? What are you willing to compromise on? What are your non-negotiables? The divorce curious stage is when you start getting honest with yourself about these questions.

The great thing about education is that it empowers you regardless of what you decide.

If you educate yourself and decide to stay and work on the marriage, you do so with your eyes wide open. If you educate yourself and decide to leave, you do so prepared and strategic rather than reactive and scared.

Dispelling The Negative Connotations Around Being "Divorce Curious"

Let's address the judgment you might be feeling right now.

Some people will tell you that even thinking about divorce is a betrayal. That if you're "divorce curious," you've already checked out and are being dishonest with your spouse.

I completely disagree. Being divorce curious isn't disloyal. It's honest self-awareness. It's acknowledging that something in your marriage isn't working and you need to figure out what to do about that. Instead of blindly staying in a marriage out of fear or obligation, or impulsively leaving without understanding the consequences, you're taking time to thoughtfully evaluate your situation.

You're allowed to consider your options. You're allowed to educate yourself. You're allowed to protect yourself even while you're still working on the marriage.

And here's something that might surprise you: Sometimes the act of preparing for divorce actually saves the marriage. When you start gathering financial documents, you might discover financial infidelity that needs to be addressed. When you imagine your life post-divorce, you might realize what you'd be giving up and recommit to making changes. When you educate yourself about the divorce process, you might realize you'd rather do the hard work of counseling than go through a divorce.

The divorce curious stage isn't the enemy of your marriage. Ignorance and avoidance are.

What To Do When You Realize You're Divorce Curious

If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in the "divorce curious" description, here's what I recommend:

1. Acknowledge where you are. Stop pretending you're fine if you're not. Stop minimizing your doubts. You're in the divorce curious stage, and that's okay. It's information, not failure.

2. Start educating yourself quietly and strategically. You don't need to announce to your spouse or the world that you're exploring divorce. But you do need to start gathering information. Read articles. Listen to podcasts. Understand your state's divorce laws. Begin to get financially literate about your marital assets.

3. Consider working with a divorce coach. A divorce coach isn't there to convince you to leave or stay. A divorce coach helps you navigate the divorce curious stage with clarity, strategy, and support. We help you understand your options, prepare for various scenarios, and make decisions that align with your values and goals.

4. Get financially informed. This is critical. Gather statements. Understand what exists. Know what you have access to and what you don't. Financial knowledge is power, and it's essential regardless of whether you ultimately stay or go.

5. Decide if this is a fixable issue or a fundamental incompatibility. Some marriages can be saved with the right intervention. Others can't. Be honest with yourself about which category you're in. If there's abuse, active addiction, or complete refusal to acknowledge problems, that's different than communication issues or growing apart.

6. Set a timeline for yourself. The divorce curious stage can go on indefinitely if you let it. At some point, you need to either commit to working on the marriage or commit to leaving. Neither decision is wrong, but staying in limbo forever isn't healthy for anyone.

You're Not Alone in This Stage

I work with dozens of divorce curious clients at any given time. Some of them end up divorcing. Some of them recommit to their marriages with new tools and clarity. Some of them stay married but with much better boundaries and understanding of their financial situation.

All of them benefit from taking the time to educate themselves during this stage.

Being divorce curious doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. It makes you someone who's paying attention to their own life and wellbeing. It makes you someone who's brave enough to ask hard questions.

Whatever you decide, you deserve to make that decision from a place of knowledge, clarity, and power rather than fear, confusion, and desperation.

Ready to get clarity during your divorce curious stage? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me to explore what divorce preparation looks like when you're not sure yet if divorce is the right path. Because education empowers you regardless of what you decide.