"Quiet Quitting" Your Marriage Isn't a Solution—It's a Signal

You've probably seen the article by now.

"The Women Quietly Quitting Their Husbands" by Monica Corcoran Harel in The Cut has been shared thousands of times, sparking conversations in group chats, therapy sessions, and late-night scrolls when you can't sleep because something about it hit too close to home.

I know Monica and respect her work. And I am thrilled that the term has gone viral because it provides a great springboard to talk about what quiet quitting really means.

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What the Article Gets Right

The article introduces a pattern many women over 40 will recognize: instead of divorcing, they're emotionally and physically checking out of their marriages. Staying married in name, but withdrawing engagement.

The stories are powerful:

• One woman moved into her daughter's old bedroom after the kids left for college—effectively giving up the shared marital space to avoid interaction.

  
  

• Another tried five different couples therapists with a husband who remained dismissive, so she eventually just... stopped trying.

  
  

• A third realized the emotional toll of staying in an unfulfilling marriage was contributing to serious health issues.

These are stories about women in marriages that have become emotionally unsustainable—marriages where the cost of staying engaged feels higher than the cost of quietly withdrawing.

I see this all the time in my work. Women who are exhausted. Women who've tried. Women who've made themselves small for so long they're not sure there's anything left.

The Term "Quiet Quitting" Sounds Intentional—What's Actually Happening Is Emotional Shutdown

The term "quiet quitting" makes it sound strategic, almost empowered. Like these women are making a conscious choice to disengage.

But more often than not, that's not what's actually happening.

What's being described in these stories is emotional shutdown. It's withdrawal. It's numbing. It's compartmentalizing to survive.

And here's the thing: emotional shutdown usually comes after years of trying. It doesn't come from apathy—it comes from exhaustion.

You try to communicate. He doesn't hear you.

You suggest therapy. He agrees, but nothing changes.

You advocate for your needs. You're told you're too demanding, too emotional, too much.

So eventually? You stop. You redirect your energy elsewhere—work, friends, hobbies, anything that doesn't require you to keep banging your head against a wall that won't move.

In the moment, this can feel like relief. And I don't want to minimize that relief, because sometimes just stopping the fight feels like the first breath you've taken in years.

But relief is not the same as resolution.

RELATED READING: Self-Compassion During Divorce: Your Most Powerful Tool

The Hidden Cost No One Talks About

Here's the reality of the toll emotional shutdown: it rarely stays contained to one relationship.

It spreads.

To intimacy. To your energy. To your creativity. To your health. To how you show up everywhere—including with your kids, your friends, and most importantly, yourself.

You don't quietly quit a marriage. You quietly quit parts of yourself.

And staying isn't the problem. Plenty of people stay in marriages for good reasons—financial, logistical, or simply because they've chosen to.

The problem is staying unconsciously. Staying while pretending you're fine. Staying while slowly disappearing.

RELATED READING: Trusting Your Instincts About Divorce: Why Your Gut Already Knows the Answer

Why Deciding to Divorce in Midlife Feels So Impossible

The article touches on why women stay even when they've emotionally checked out, but I want to dig deeper. Because in my work with divorcing women, I see exactly why this "gray zone" feels so hard to escape:

• Financial entanglement and fear of instability. After decades of shared finances, untangling feels overwhelming.

• Asset complexity. Homes, retirement accounts, pensions, stock options—it's not just splitting a bank account.

• Children—even grown ones. You don't want to disrupt their lives. You don't want to be the one who "broke up the family."

• Timing guilt. "I should have done this ten years ago. Why am I doing this now?"

• Fear of regret. What if you leave and realize you made a mistake?

• Fear of being alone. Versus fear of staying stuck. Both are terrifying.

• Social judgment. Your family, your friends, your community—what will they think?

• Exhaustion. The idea of one more hard thing feels impossible when you're already running on empty.

• Identity loss. After decades inside the role of "wife" and "mother," who are you without those labels?

• Not trusting yourself. When you've been ignoring your own needs for so long, you stop believing you know what's best for you.

Leaving isn't just an emotional decision. It's a logistical one. And the logistics are what keep people frozen.

The financial factor in deciding whether to stay or go (or shut down) are real. 

If you're experiencing financial abuse or your spouse controls your finances, there are still ways to prepare safely. For specific strategies on how to protect yourself and plan when financial control is an issue, read this guide: How to Prepare for Divorce When Your Spouse Controls the Finances.

Here's the Reframe: Quiet Quitting Isn't Failure—It's a Signal

If you recognize yourself in those stories from The Cut, I want you to hear this:

Quiet quitting isn't failure -- it's a signal.

A signal that something needs attention. Not avoidance. Not endurance. Attention.

And here's where my philosophy comes in: Preparation is power.

You don't have to decide today whether you're staying or leaving. But you do need to stop being passive in your own life.

Because here's what preparation does:

• It replaces fear with clarity.

• It turns "I can't even think about it" into "I understand my options."

• It allows choice instead of reaction.

Quiet quitting equals shrinking to survive. Preparation equals expanding so you can choose.

What Preparation Actually Looks Like

I'm not talking about filing papers tomorrow. I'm talking about getting informed so you can make decisions from a place of knowledge instead of fear.

Here's where to start:

• Get your financial documents together. Tax returns from the last five years. Bank statements. Retirement account statements. Credit card statements. You need to know what you're working with.

  
  

• Fill out a net worth statement. Even if the numbers scare you, you need to know where you're starting from. My Monthly Budget Calculator walks you through this step by step.

  
  

• Understand your state's divorce laws. Are you in a community property state or equitable distribution?

  
  

• Talk to a divorce attorney—even if you're not ready to file. Most offer free consultations. You're not committing to anything. You're gathering information.

  
  

• Work with a therapist or coach. Someone who can help you separate the emotional side from the business side, because both need attention.

This isn't about rushing into divorce. This is about taking your power back by empowering yourself with options and education.

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Midlife Divorce as Awakening—Not Collapse

Here's the final reframe I want to offer, and it's the most important one:

Midlife divorce doesn't have to be a breakdown. It can be a reorientation.

The narrative we've been sold is that divorce in your 40s, 50s, or 60s is a tragedy. That it means you failed. That it means you wasted your life.

But what if it's actually an awakening?

What if it's the moment you finally stop living on autopilot and start asking: What do I actually want? Who am I when I'm not performing for someone else? What would my life look like if I designed it for me?

Gray divorce—divorce after age 50—has doubled since the 1990s. And you know what? A lot of those women are thriving.

They're building businesses. They're traveling. They're dating (or not dating, by choice). They're reconnecting with parts of themselves they thought were gone.

They're not quietly quitting. They're loudly living.

If you're in that gray zone right now—emotionally checked out but still legally married—I'm not here to tell you what to do.

But I am here to tell you this: you deserve more than quietly disappearing in your own life.

Whether you ultimately stay or leave, you deserve to make that choice consciously. With clarity. With support. With preparation.

The stories in that article are real. The pain is real. The exhaustion is real.

But so is the possibility of something different.

You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to take the first step.

Ready to Stop Quietly Quitting and Start Actively Choosing?

Read the post Where To Start When Preparing For Divorce - Essential First Steps Guide linked here.

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