"Where Do I Start with Divorce?" Complete Preparation Guide for Beginners

"Where do I start when preparing for divorce? I feel completely overwhelmed and don't know what to do first."

This question lands in my inbox almost daily, and honestly? It's completely understandable. Divorce feels like standing at the base of a mountain without a map. You know you need to get to the other side, but the path forward seems impossible to figure out.

Here's the good news: you don't have to figure it all out at once. And you definitely don't need to do it alone. I've guided hundreds of clients through this process, and breaking it down into manageable steps not only reduces that overwhelming feeling but actually leads to way better outcomes.

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Why Preparation Actually Matters (Spoiler: It Really Does)

Before we dive into the how-to stuff, let's talk about why preparation makes such a huge difference. When you're proactive about preparing for divorce, you:

• Save serious money by having your documents organized before you pay attorneys by the hour

• Reduce stress through actually knowing what's going on

• Make better decisions because you're planning instead of just reacting

• Protect your financial future by making informed choices

• Create a healthier post-divorce life for you and your kids

The research backs this up too. People who take time to prepare experience less financial strain, recover faster emotionally, get more favorable settlements, and feel way more confident throughout the whole process.

The Very First Thing You Need to Do: Just Breathe

When you're facing divorce, every instinct tells you to DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. Call a lawyer. Move out. Have that big confrontation.

But here's what I want you to do first: pause and assess your situation.

I'm not saying procrastinate or avoid what needs to happen. I'm saying take a strategic breath to figure out:

• Where you are emotionally: Are you making decisions from anger, fear, or actual clarity?

• What you actually know: Do you understand your finances? Your legal rights? Your options?

• What matters most to you: Financial security? Co-parenting? Your emotional wellbeing?

• Your timeline: Is this urgent, or do you have time to plan?

  
  

This pause helps you avoid expensive mistakes driven by emotion and creates a solid foundation for everything that comes next.

Your "Where Do I Even Start" Roadmap

Once you've taken that breath, here's your step-by-step game plan:

1. Get Smart About Divorce Laws in Your State

Divorce laws are different everywhere, and I mean everywhere. What applies in California doesn't apply in Texas.

Before you make any decisions:

• Research your state's specific divorce laws (Google is your friend here)

• Figure out if you're in a community property or equitable distribution state

• Learn about residency requirements and waiting periods

• Understand how custody typically works where you live

Knowledge really is power during divorce. Understanding the legal landscape helps you set realistic expectations from day one.

2. Start Gathering Your Financial Stuff

This is probably the most important thing you can do, and it's also the most tedious. But stick with me here. You need:

• Tax returns (last 3-5 years)

• Bank statements from all accounts

• Investment and retirement account statements

• Property records and mortgage documents

• Credit card statements and debt info

• Pay stubs and income verification

• Insurance policies

• Car titles and loan documents

• Business stuff (if you or your spouse owns a business)

PRO TIP! If you don't have access to some of these, don't panic. There are ways to get them. Start with what you can access easily.

3. Figure Out Your Money Situation (Current and Future)

You need to understand both where you are now financially and where you'll be after divorce:

• Document what your household spends now

• Create a post-divorce budget based on what you think you'll earn and spend

• Identify where you might struggle financially

• Think about long-term stuff like retirement

The reality check here is hard: going from two incomes to one is tough. But knowing what you're dealing with helps you negotiate better and plan smarter.

4. Build Your Team

Divorce isn't a solo sport. You need both professional help and emotional support:

Professional people:

• Research lawyers who specialize in your type of situation

• Consider financial advisors who understand divorce

• Look into divorce coaches (Hi! I'm here!) if you want strategic guidance

Your emotional support crew:

• Therapists who get divorce

• Support groups in your area

• Trusted friends who can listen without trying to fix everything

Remember: Your lawyer isn't your therapist, and your friends love you but don't understand complex legal matters. Different people serve different purposes.

5. Think About Communication Strategy

How you communicate during this process really impacts how everything goes.

Consider:

• How and when to tell your spouse about the divorce (if you haven't already)

• What communication boundaries you need

• How to handle high-conflict situations

• How you'll talk to your kids about this

If you're dealing with a difficult ex, having a communication strategy isn't just helpful—it's essential for your sanity.

6. Put Your Kids First (If You Have Them)

If you have children, their wellbeing needs special attention:

• Research age-appropriate ways to discuss divorce

• Think about what custody arrangement might actually work

• Document your involvement in their daily care

• Start thinking about how co-parenting might look

The goal isn't to shield them from everything, but to provide stability and security during a time when everything feels uncertain.

7. Take Care of Yourself

Divorce is emotionally and physically exhausting. You need to prioritize your wellbeing by:

• Establishing self-care practices that actually work for you

• Creating routines that provide some stability

• Setting boundaries around when and where you discuss divorce stuff

• Finding healthy ways to process your emotions

Self-care during divorce is essential for making good decisions and getting through this with your sanity intact.

Don't Make These Common Mistakes

When people are just starting divorce prep, I see the same mistakes over and over:

Moving out without a plan. It might feel like the obvious first step, but leaving without legal guidance can mess up custody and property division. Talk to a lawyer first.

Venting on social media. I get it—you need to vent. But anything you post online can be used as evidence. Keep the drama offline.

Making big financial moves without documentation. Withdrawing large amounts, closing accounts, or selling stuff looks suspicious. Document any necessary financial moves and avoid doing anything impulsive.

Involving your kids in adult business. Don't share divorce details or badmouth your spouse to your children. It creates trauma they don't need.

Rushing to settle without all the information. Big no-no. Agreeing to terms before you understand your complete financial picture usually leads to regret. Take time to get the full picture.

Special Situations Need Special Prep

Your divorce prep might look different depending on your situation. Which on of these fits you?

1. If You've Been a Stay-at-Home Parent

   You face unique challenges, but also opportunities:

   • Document everything you've contributed to the family and household

   • Research career opportunities and what training you might need

   • Figure out how to build credit in your own name

   • Understand your rights to support while you transition back to work

   
   

2. If You're Dealing with High Conflict

   When your spouse is high-conflict, preparation becomes even more important:

   • Document everything and keep detailed records

   • Set clear communication boundaries

   • Create safety plans if you need them

   • Work with professionals who understand high-conflict personalities

   
   

3. If You've Been Married a Long Time

   Ending a long marriage has its own challenges:

   • Address complex financial stuff built up over decades

   • Navigate shared social networks and family traditions

   • Process the grief of major life change

   • Adjust retirement plans

   
   

Making This Work for Your Specific Situation

While these steps give you a general roadmap, your situation is unique. Here's how to make this work for you:

1. Figure out your biggest challenges. Is it money? Co-parenting? Emotional stuff?

2. Prioritize what's urgent. Handle immediate issues first while building your long-term strategy.

3. Set realistic timelines. Some things can happen quickly; others take months.

4. Track your progress. Documenting what you've done keeps you motivated.

5. Stay flexible. Be ready to adjust as things change.

Remember: divorce prep isn't a straight line. You'll be working on multiple things at once and adjusting as you learn new information.

You Don't Need to Do This Alone

Here's the thing about divorce preparation: it doesn't have to be a solo journey. I created The Divorce Planner specifically to help people like you navigate this without feeling completely lost.

Whether you want self-guided tools to organize your documents and finances, structured guidance through our online course, or one-on-one coaching for your specific situation—the support is there when you're ready for it.

You've got this. Start where you are, with what you have. That's enough for now.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Want more specific guidance?

• For peaceful divorce options: What Is Collaborative Divorce? A Peaceful Approach to Separation

  
  

• If you're still deciding: Trusting Your Instincts About Divorce: Why Your Gut Already Knows the Answer

  
  

• For negotiation prep: How to Prepare for Divorce Negotiations So You Get the Outcome You Want