The Emotional Journey of Divorce: My Conversation with Relationship Coach Kim Polinder

I recently had the chance to sit down with relationship coach Kim Polinder and our conversation was filled with those "aha moments" that can truly change how you think about divorce healing. Kim brings such warmth and honesty to this difficult topic - plus practical advice that feels genuinely helpful rather than just theoretical.

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Getting to the Heart of Why Relationships Break Down

One thing that really struck me was Kim's insight about resentments. They're like little breadcrumbs that lead straight back to our deepest patterns.

"Resentments will take you back to what your deepest patterns are, deepest triggers, deepest upsets, and what you're seeking ultimately from a partner," Kim shared. "You really need to address them because they will take down a relationship over time if not addressed."

I've seen this so often with my clients - what starts as an argument about dirty dishes quickly transforms into feeling fundamentally unseen or unappreciated. It's rarely about the laundry!

When You're Talking But Not Communicating

We've all been there - caught in that endless loop where nobody's really listening. You're just waiting for your turn to speak while mentally preparing your next point.

Kim made an excellent case for bringing in a neutral third party: "For people who've never been in therapy or couples therapy, why not try it? It always helps to get someone who's been trained to hear certain things, help facilitate and translate conversations."

This neutral perspective can be the difference between going in circles and actually making progress - whether that means healing the relationship or gaining clarity that it's time to move on.

Protecting Your Kids Through the Process

This part of our conversation felt especially important. As Kim put it, "The number one regret is how they involve the children."

She advocates for what she calls "playing the long game" with kids. This means maintaining your integrity even when it's difficult - like when your ex is bad-mouthing you or when your kids seem to turn their frustration toward you despite your best efforts.

"Even if you're the good parent, they may be resentful towards you," Kim explained. "Even if the other parent might have been the one who left, and your kids live with you full time, they might say, 'Why are you turning on me? I'm the one who's here.'"

This happens because children are processing their own complicated feelings. As hard as it is, maintaining empathy and patience pays off in the long run. Remember - divorce is "grown-up stuff." Kids need protection from the adult details, not front-row seats to the conflict.

Dealing with Shame and Grief (Even When You Wanted the Divorce)

Something I hear from clients all the time is surprise at how much shame they feel when their marriage ends - even when they initiated the divorce themselves.

Kim offered such a helpful perspective: "People who get really debilitated by shame have shame that has played out in other parts of their life." This is an opportunity to examine where these feelings come from and how they've been conditioned throughout your life.

And grief? It's inevitable - even in the most amicable separations. Kim reminded us that grief doesn't follow a tidy timeline.

"You may be rolling along and think you're fine, maybe even a year later, and then it just hits you out of the blue. That's normal and that's fine."

I love her suggestion to create personal rituals for processing grief - writing letters (even ones you'll never send), visiting meaningful places, or simply making space to feel your feelings. Whatever you do, don't do it alone. Process with trusted friends, family, or support groups.

Breaking the Pattern (So You Don't End Up Divorced Again)

The statistics don't lie - second marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. Why? Because without intentional growth, we tend to recreate familiar patterns.

"Understand your deepest trigger," Kim advised, "because most of us are unprocessed when we go into adulthood, and you'll end up perpetuating a dynamic from the past."

This might look like being drawn to controlling partners if you had a controlling parent, or repeatedly finding yourself with emotionally unavailable people because that dynamic feels strangely comfortable.

As Kim put it, "You could break up with someone, divorce them, but then the next person you meet, you're going to be seeking to fill that cup in that way." Without interrupting these patterns, you'll likely continue down the same road.

The Hard Truth About Boundaries

One viewer asked what to do when boundaries have been communicated but consistently broken. Kim didn't sugarcoat her response:

"Ultimately, you are with a person who has free will choice. If you suggest books, videos, couples counseling, and you just get a dead end after each of them, then you are left with a decision: your partner is satisfied with your relationship. It's the hard truth."

This reality forces a crucial question: Can you accept the relationship as it is, or is it time to move on?

The Silver Lining: Rediscovering Yourself

Throughout our conversation, a powerful theme emerged: divorce, while painful, creates space for profound personal growth.

"Divorce is really an opportunity for you to re-get to know who you are at this point in your life," I mentioned during our talk, and Kim wholeheartedly agreed.

This perspective shifts divorce from purely a loss to also being a doorway to new possibilities. It's a chance to reconnect with interests you set aside, establish healthier boundaries, and create a vision for what you truly want moving forward.

Practical Steps You Can Take Today

If you're in the midst of divorce healing, here are some of Kim's practical recommendations:

1. Find your people - Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, don't walk this path alone

2. Get curious about your patterns - What drew you to your ex? What dynamics kept showing up in your relationship?

3. Create meaningful rituals - Find ways to acknowledge the loss and create closure

4. Prioritize self-care - What fills your cup? Do more of that

5. Set clear boundaries - Especially important if you're co-parenting

6. Be patient with yourself - Healing isn't linear, and that's completely normal

   
   

The Bottom Line

As our conversation wrapped up, Kim emphasized that the quality of your future relationships largely depends on the healing work you do now. Taking time for self-reflection rather than jumping immediately into something new allows you to break those unhealthy patterns and create something better moving forward.

"Relationships are not about perfection," Kim reminded us, "but they should include respect, honesty, and the ability to address conflict in constructive ways."

Whether you're considering divorce, in the middle of the process, or healing in the aftermath, I hope these insights offer a helpful roadmap for navigating this challenging life transition with greater awareness, compassion, and hope for what comes next.

For more resources on divorce preparation and healing, check out The Divorce Planner's practical tools, emotional support resources, and guidance for every stage of the journey.