Psychologist Explains: How to Create the Best Post-Divorce Parenting Plan for Tweens and Teens

Should Your Tween or Teen Dictate Your Post-Divorce Parenting Schedule? Insights from Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour

Figuring out custody is one of the most emotionally brutal parts of divorce.

I know this from experience. When I was going through my own divorce, we got through the finances, the property, all of it. But when we sat down to talk about the parenting schedule? I had to leave the room because I became emotionally overwhelmed.

No one has kids thinking they're going to have to split time with them. And the reality of it—that's one of the hardest pills to swallow in this whole process.

If you're in the middle of trying to figure out what custody looks like for your family right now, I see you. It's overwhelming. And if you've landed on the standard one-week-on, one-week-off schedule because it seems fair and balanced—because honestly, that's what most people do—I get it.

But here's what psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour wants you to know: that arrangement might be harder on your kid than you realize.

In a recent episode of her podcast "Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens," Dr. Damour—author of three New York Times bestsellers and a recognized thought leader by the American Psychological Association—broke down why the weekly switch can feel like torture for kids, and what parents can actually do about it.

Let's unpack what she shared - the good, the bad, the realistic and the not so realistic.

The Letter That Started the Conversation

A divorced mom wrote to Dr. Damour describing a situation many of us will recognize:Her 12-year-old daughter lives one week with mom, one week with dad. They live just two miles apart in the same school district. Both parents are flexible and cooperative. The daughter can even hang out with the other parent during "off" weeks if she wants.

On paper, it sounds like a pretty ideal divorce scenario, right?

But here's what the daughter said: "I barely feel settled in when I get here and two days later it's time to go again. It's just too much." The girl told her parents, "Just six more years of this and I'll be out of here anyway."

If you're a divorced parent reading that, it probably hits hard. Because even when you're doing everything "right," divorce is still going to present challenges even if you've done everything possible to make it as easy as possible on your kids.

Dr. Damour Explains: Why the Weekly Switch Is So Disruptive

Dr. Damour compared one week on one week off it to spending one week in LA and one week in New York—constantly packing up, constantly adjusting, never quite settling in.

She's heard kids describe this schedule as feeling like "a human ping pong ball." And that's not a great way to feel when you're also dealing with middle school, puberty, homework, friend drama, and all the normal challenges of being a tween or teen.

Think about it from your own life: How disruptive is even a short business trip? Now imagine doing that every single week. For years. While trying to remember where you left your homework and which house has your favorite hoodie.

As Dr. Damour put it: "It's not that great."

The Ideal Arrangement (That's not ideal for most families)

Here's where Dr. Damour shared something fascinating: the absolute best custody arrangement from a child's psychological perspective.

Ready for this? Three homes.

One home where the kid lives full-time, and two separate apartments for the parents. The parents are the ones who move in and out—one week mom moves in, one week dad moves in. The kid never moves.

And in what she described as the dreamiest of scenarios (and Dr. Damour emphasized this is "enormously rare"), the exes even share one apartment and take turns staying there.

Why is this theoretically ideal? Consistency. The kid has the same space, the same room, the same routine. They never have to pack. They never have to remember their toothbrush or their homework folder. The disruption falls on the adults, not the child.

But let's be real: this isn't just rare—it's unrealistic for the vast majority of families.

First, the financial piece. Maintaining three separate living spaces? That's an enormous expense that most families simply cannot afford, especially when they're already splitting one household income into two.

Second—and this is huge—people divorce for a reason. Asking ex-spouses to share a home, even on alternating weeks, is a massive emotional ask. You're supposed to be creating healthy boundaries, processing grief, maybe even starting to date again. How do you do any of that when you're living in your ex's space every other week?

And here's what I think gets missed in the "ideal from the child's perspective" conversation: life throws everyone challenges. Moving between homes, adjusting to new routines, learning to be flexible—these aren't just inconveniences. They're life skills.

When you model how to navigate transition, when you show your kids that life isn't perfect but you can still handle it with grace, you're teaching them resilience. You're showing them that change is hard, but you adapt. You figure it out. You keep going.

Will your kids prefer one stable home? Sure. But is teaching them to navigate imperfect situations actually harmful? No. In fact, it might serve them well long-term.

Life isn't perfect. Divorce isn't perfect. And that's okay.

What matters more than the "ideal" arrangement is creating a workable arrangement with consistency, clear communication, and parents who aren't at each other's throats. That's the real goal.

So while understanding what would be theoretically easiest for kids is helpful context, don't beat yourself up because you can't pull off an unrealistic three-home scenario. Focus instead on what you can control: making both homes feel stable, reducing conflict, and being flexible when it makes sense.

The Hard Truth About Divorce and Kids

Here's something Dr. Damour said that gave me pause: "When parents divorce, they're putting what works really well for them ahead of what might work really well for their kid."

Now, I need to push back on this a bit—because in my work with divorcing parents, I see something different.

Most of the parents I coach are absolutely thinking about what works best for their kids. They're losing sleep over it. They're agonizing over every decision. But here's the reality: work schedules, financial constraints, school districts, and basic logistics often dictate what's actually possible.

Can you afford to maintain three homes so the kids never have to move? Probably not. Can you quit your job that requires travel so you're always available on your custody days? Unlikely. Can you always prioritize your child's ideal schedule over the realities of daycare pickup, after-school activities, and paying the mortgage? Sometimes, but not always.

So while Dr. Damour's point isn't wrong—divorce is fundamentally an adult decision that kids have to live with—I think it's more nuanced than "parents are choosing what works for them."

You're choosing what's survivable. What's financially feasible. What allows you to keep working and paying for the life your kids need.

That said, here's where Dr. Damour's advice is gold: acknowledge the reality to your child.

You don't have to frame it as "we're prioritizing ourselves." Instead, try something like:

"We know this schedule isn't perfect. We wish we could make it easier for you. We're doing the best we can with work, money, and everything else we're juggling. But we hear you that it's hard, and we're going to keep trying to make it better as we go."

That honesty—acknowledging that this isn't ideal, that you see them struggling, that you're constrained by reality but still trying—that goes really far with kids.

Because ultimately, what kids need isn't perfection. They need to know you see them, you hear them, and you're doing your best within the constraints you're all facing.

Should You Let Your Kid Dictate the Schedule?

So back to the original question: Should tweens and teens have a say in the custody arrangement?

Dr. Damour's answer? Absolutely—when you can.

In the letter she discussed, the 12-year-old suggested switching to every two weeks instead of every week. And both parents were open to trying it.

Dr. Damour loved this approach. Why? Because two weeks in LA and two weeks in New York probably does feel different than weekly switches. It gives kids more time to settle in, to feel like they're actually home rather than just visiting.

But here's the key: the reason this family could consider their daughter's input is because the parents were cooperative, flexible, and not locked into a rigid legal arrangement that required lawyers to modify.

If you can create space for your kid's input without turning it into a legal battle, that's gold.

What About Teenagers?

Dr. Damour also pointed out something really important: the schedule that makes sense when your kid is 11 or 12 might not make sense when they're 14, 15, or 16.

As kids get older, things change fast. They start driving. They have sports schedules, part-time jobs, friend commitments. Who's closer to the high school might suddenly matter a lot.

The best co-parenting relationships she's seen are ones where parents aren't territorial or possessive about their time. As the teen gains more autonomy, they can start managing their own schedule: "Tuesday I'll be here, Wednesday I'll be there."

Some teens even keep stuff in their car and just truck it around themselves.

The point is: stay flexible. What works now might not work in two years. Be willing to revisit and adjust.

The Three Non-Negotiables of Co-Parenting After Divorce

When asked what divorced parents absolutely must do for their kids, Dr. Damour gave three clear rules:

1. Never fight openly in front of your kids. Open conflict is where real psychological damage happens. If you're going to disagree with your ex, handle it privately.

2. Don't trash your ex—ever. Remember: kids love both of their parents. When you bad-mouth your ex, you're hurting the part of your kid that loves that parent. Do it on your own time, far away from your child.

3. Shift your thinking: You're no longer spouses—you're co-parents. This is huge. Stop thinking of this person as "my ex-husband" or "my ex-wife." Start thinking of them as "my co-parent."

As Dr. Damour explained it: "Think of yourselves as coaches on a team. Who's on the team? Your kids. You want them to succeed. You're here to make that happen. You're going to work on behalf of the players and set everything else aside."

Practical Ways to Make Split Custody Easier

Beyond the big-picture stuff, Dr. Damour shared some really practical advice:

• Reduce logistical hassles as much as possible. If your kid has to move every week, try to have a full setup at both homes. Full wardrobes. Toothbrushes. School supplies. Chargers. The works. Yes, it's expensive. But the more your child doesn't have to remember or pack, the better.

  
  

• Use empathy when logistics can't be fixed. Some things can be solved with a logistical shift (buy more toothbrushes). Some things can only be solved with empathy ("I know you miss being able to walk to your friend's house when you're at my place. I'm sorry that's hard.").

  
  

• Consider a pet that travels with the kid. This was such an interesting point: If your child is really attached to a pet, having that pet go back and forth with them can help them feel less alone in the transition. "You and me, kitty, it's time to go to the other house."

  
  

• Formalize some consistency even in the flexible schedule. Maybe Tuesday nights are always at the other parent's house. Maybe there's a weekend visit built in. These anchor points can help kids feel more grounded.

When Your Kid Says "Just Six More Years"

If your child is counting down the years until they can leave, that's a gut-punch. But Dr. Damour's advice is to respond with honesty and hope:

"I hear you. There's going to be some disruption for the duration that you're living under our roofs. But it won't always feel this way. You're going to start to have more and more autonomy as you go. We're going to keep working with you on this."

Don't make promises you can't keep. But do let them know the plan can evolve as they get older.

The Bottom Line

Should your tween or teen dictate your post-divorce parenting schedule? No—you're still the parent, and you're balancing a lot more than just what your kid wants in the moment.

But should you listen to them, take their input seriously, and be willing to adjust when you can within the constraints of reality?

Absolutely.

Look, the standard one-week-on, one-week-off arrangement works for most families, but acknowledging if your kid shares their struggles with it and adjusting accordingly is the name of the game.

Remember this: you're doing the best you can with the resources, schedules, and co-parenting relationship you have. And that's enough.

If you and your ex can work together to create a schedule that better serves your child's needs—whether that's extending to two-week cycles, building in more consistency, or allowing more flexibility as they age—do it. Even small adjustments can make a big difference.

And if you can't? If the current arrangement is what's financially and logistically possible right now? Then focus on what you can control: making both homes feel stable, keeping conflict away from your kids, and being honest with them about why things are the way they are.

Your divorce happened for a reason. The custody arrangement isn't going to be perfect. But showing your kids how to navigate hard situations with honesty, flexibility, and resilience? That's a lesson that will serve them long after they stop counting down the years.

About Dr. Lisa Damour

Dr. Lisa Damour is a psychologist and the author of three New York Times bestsellers: Untangled, Under Pressure, and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, which have been translated into twenty-three languages. She co-hosts the Ask Lisa podcast, works in collaboration with UNICEF, and is recognized as a thought leader by the American Psychological Association. She also authored the monthly Adolescence column for The New York Times.

This blog post is based on Episode 248 of Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens, "Should Our Tween Dictate Our Post-Divorce Visitation Schedule?"-- Listen to the full episode here.