Dear Future Self: Why Writing a Letter to Yourself Is the Most Powerful Thing You Can Do During Divorce

How One Simple Exercise Helped Me Navigate Divorce — and How It Can Help You Too

If you're going through a divorce right now, your to-do list probably looks something like this: find an attorney, gather financial documents, figure out the custody situation, try not to fall apart. Writing a letter to yourself is probably not on that list.

It should be.

I spend a lot of time talking about spreadsheets, financial disclosures, and getting organized before you ever set foot in an attorney or mediator's office. But this one exercise, which I did during my own divorce, is the reason I was able to create the life I wanted after divorce. And it was critical to do this exercise during divorce in order to make that happen.

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Why Most People Come Out of Divorce Lost

Divorce is a backward-facing process by design. Every negotiation is rooted in who did what, who earned what, who gets what. The entire legal machine requires you to look behind you.

And then, suddenly, it's over. The paperwork is signed. And you're standing in a life you don't fully recognize — because you spent the last one, two, sometimes three years so consumed by the divorce that you never stopped to build toward a future.

This is one of the most common patterns I see as a divorce prep coach: people who make decisions during divorce based entirely on what they think is "fair", what they deserve, or what their ex did — rather than coming to something equitably that will actually get them to the life they want. People easily get thrown off course fighting over things like the house because they can't imagine a life that doesn't look exactly the way their current life does. They accept settlements that don't serve them because they just want it to be over. They wake up on the other side and realize they have no idea who they are anymore or where they've landed.

The Dear Future Self letter is a direct antidote to that.

What Is the Dear Future Self Letter?

It's exactly what it sounds like: a letter you write to yourself, from the future. You project two to five years out and write as if you're already there — describing your life, your home, your relationships, your work, your daily rhythms. What you've let go of. What you've built. How your kids are doing. What brings you joy.

You're not writing a goals list. You're not making a vision board. You're writing a letter. In your own voice, to yourself, telling yourself the story of where you are after having come through this big life change.

I wrote mine when I was in the thick of my divorce — feeling uncertain, raising two young kids, working full-time, and trying to figure out who I was now that the structure of my marriage was falling away. It took me a couple of days. I didn't force it. And when I was done, I sealed it away.

What surprised me was what happened next: I started making decisions differently. I had something to navigate toward. A North Star. And on the days when the divorce felt impossible — which there were many — I knew exactly what life I was working toward, and that made all the difference.

Why This Works (and the Research That Backs It Up)

Writing about your future self isn't just feel-good advice. It's backed by psychology.

Research on "future self-continuity" — the degree to which you feel connected to who you'll be in the future — consistently shows that people who have a strong sense of their future self make better long-term decisions. They're less impulsive, more likely to invest in outcomes that serve them down the road, and more resilient when faced with short-term pain.

Divorce is a context where short-term thinking can cost you enormously. The person who fights for the house because they're terrified of change — without stopping to ask whether that house actually serves their future — often ends up asset-rich and cash-poor, stuck in a home that's too expensive to maintain and too large for the life they're actually living now.

The person who accepts an unfair settlement just to end the pain may find themselves financially compromised for years.

Connecting to your future self helps you make decisions from a longer view. It won't remove the emotion — and it shouldn't — but it gives you a second voice in the room: the voice of the person you're becoming.

How to Write Your Dear Future Self Letter: A Step-by-Step Guide

This doesn't have to be done in one sitting. In fact, I'd encourage you not rush it. Give it time to develop into something clear. Here's how to tackle writing a letter from your future self:

Step 1: Start with identifying what brings you joy Before you write the letter itself, spend some time with this question: what are the things that have genuinely brought me joy that I haven't been making space for? Maybe it's creative work. A certain kind of social life. Living in a particular place. A hobby you abandoned. Write these down without judgment. This is your raw data.

Step 2: Identify what you're ready to release What are you currently giving your time, energy, or identity to that doesn't bring you joy? What parts of the life you've been living were really about someone else's preferences, expectations, or needs? This is about gaining clarity. Getting honest about what you're ready to let go of makes space for what you actually want.

Step 3: Reimagine what home is This step is especially important if you're currently negotiating over a family home. Ask yourself: what does home actually mean to me? Not the specific house — the feeling. The size. The neighborhood. The proximity to things that matter. A lot of people fight for a house during divorce because they can't imagine their children in a different one — but when they stop and actually think about what they need and want in a home, they realize they've been fighting for a symbol, not a reality. What does your ideal home look, feel, and function like after this?

Step 4: Get practical about your future What are the real constraints you're working within? A co-parent in the same city. A career in a specific field. Financial realities. Acknowledge those. Then, within those constraints, what does your life look like? Financially, professionally, geographically — what are you building toward?

Step 5: Write the letter Now you're ready. Sit down and write to yourself from two, five or ten years in the future. Use first person. Be specific. Describe your mornings. Your relationships. Your work. Your kids, if you have them. What you've accomplished. What you've healed. What you're proud of.

If you want a unicorn — write the unicorn. The point isn't to be realistic. The point is to give yourself permission to want things, to dream things, to claim things for yourself. You can edit for reality later. Right now, you're setting an intention.

How the Letter Changes Your Divorce Decisions

Here's the practical payoff: once you have this letter, you have a filter.

When a settlement proposal comes in and your gut reaction is pure anger, you can ask a second question: does this move me toward the life in that letter, or away from it? That question doesn't eliminate the anger — it gives it somewhere useful to go.

When you're tempted to fight for something because you can't stand the idea of your ex "winning", you can ask: is this actually important to my future, or am I just in combat mode right now?

When you're exhausted and just want it to be over, you can remind yourself: I'm not just getting through this. I'm building toward something specific. That reframe — from surviving to building — changes how you show up in every single negotiation, conversation, and decision.

Being proactive rather than reactive is always the better position to be in during divorce. The letter makes that possible.

It's Not Magic Thinking. It's Intention Setting.

This isn't manifestation culture. You're not writing the letter and then sitting back and waiting for the universe to deliver. You're writing the letter and then making decisions that align with it. There's a difference. Your letter gives you a goal, writing the letter is an action. That's the work. Set your intention (your future vision), take action (write the letter), then repeat taking actions that get you to your intention, or goal.

The stoics had a phrase that I've come back to more times than I can count: your best revenge is living well. Not winning the argument. Not being proven right. Not making your ex regret it. Living well. Building something real and full and yours.

That's what the Dear Future Self letter is about. Not the divorce. The rest of your life after divorce.

Start Now — Even If You Haven't Hired an Attorney Yet

You don't have to wait until you're mid-process to do this. In fact, the earlier you start, the better. Even if you're still in the thinking-about-it stage, you can begin asking yourself: who am I now? What do I actually want? What have I been putting off that I'm finally going to make space for?

The answers will inform everything — how you negotiate, what you prioritize, what you're willing to fight for and what you're willing to let go of. They'll keep you from waking up on the other side of your divorce in a life you didn't choose.

You get one go-round. Build the life you actually want.

Want More on This Practice?

I talked about the Dear Future Self letter in depth on the Divorce and Beyond podcast—and it became their most downloaded episode of 2023. You can listen to the full conversation here:

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