3 Questions to Stop Divorce Spiraling & Make Better Decisions (From a Leading Happiness Researcher)

When you're catastrophizing or spiraling about divorce, Martin Seligman's framework can help you think clearly instead of panicking.

Spiraling is good for stairs, not so much for people.

Divorce brings up catastrophic thinking.

What if I can't afford to live on my own?

What if my kids never forgive me?

What if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life?

What if I end up alone forever?

Therapists call this pattern "catastrophizing," assuming the absolute worst in any situation, whether it's real or imagined. And when you're facing divorce, your brain goes into overdrive imagining every possible disaster.

I see this with almost every client I work with. They're not just stressed about the actual problems in front of them, they're stressed about the imagined catastrophes that might happen five, ten, twenty years down the road.

Here's the thing: catastrophizing doesn't just make you feel terrible. It makes you make terrible decisions.

When you're operating from a state of panic, you agree to things you shouldn't agree to. You give up assets you're entitled to because you just want it to be over. You make choices based on fear instead of strategy.

But there's a better way to handle the spiral.

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The Framework That Stops Catastrophic Thinking

Martin Seligman, director of the Penn Positive Psychology Center and a leading authority on happiness and resilience, has spent decades researching how people build resilience during hardship.

One of his key findings: how we describe our hardships to ourselves influences how we experience them.

In her recent New York Times Well newsletter "Stressing over something? These 3 questions can help," writer Jancee Dunn breaks down Seligman's three-part framework for interpreting life's challenges: permanence, pervasiveness, and agency. I've adapted his framework into three questions you can ask yourself when you're spiraling about divorce.

Question 1: Is This Problem Permanent?

The catastrophic thought:"My life is ruined forever.""I'll never recover from this financially.""I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life."

The reality check: Our brains are wired to focus on negative events more intensely than positive ones, and those negative thoughts tend to linger. This makes temporary problems feel permanent, even when they're not.

Seligman asks his patients a simple question when they're anxious: Is this temporary, or is it going to last?

Knowing that a problem has an end point, even if it's painful right now, helps you shift from a state of emergency to a state of tolerance.

How to Apply This to Divorce:

This is where the 5-5-5 Rule comes in, a decision-making framework I developed specifically for people navigating divorce.

When you're spiraling about a problem, ask yourself: How will this affect me in 5 days? 5 months? 5 years?

This simple question helps you sort real problems from temporary stress so you figure out where to direct your energy. Here's how to apply this to your divorce worries:

"I can't afford the mortgage on my own."

In 5 days: Yes, this will still worry me.

In 5 months: Yes, this will still worry me.

In 5 years: Yes, housing stability matters long-term.

This is a real, ongoing concern. Direct your energy toward solving it. Talk to a CDFA, research housing options, create a post-divorce budget, explore refinancing or selling.

"I said the wrong thing during our last argument and now he'll use it against me."

In 5 days: Yes, I'm stressed about this.

In 5 months: Probably won't matter by then.

In 5 years: I won't even remember this conversation.

Let it go. This is temporary stress, not a permanent problem. One heated exchange won't define your entire case.

"What if my kids never forgive me for this divorce?"

In 5 days: Yes, I'm worried about this.

In 5 months: Still worried, but I'm seeing how they're adjusting.

In 5 years: If I handle this thoughtfully, they'll understand this was the right decision.

Focus on what you can control, like how you communicate with them, the support you provide, creating stability during the transition. Research shows kids recover when parents handle divorce thoughtfully.

If something won't matter in 5 years, don't spend 5 months worrying about it.

The 5-5-5 Rule helps you separate legitimate concerns (where you need a strategy) from catastrophic thinking (where you need to let it go and focus on what you can actually control).

Want the complete breakdown of how to use this framework? Read the full post: The 5-5-5 Rule for Divorce: How to Make Decisions You Won't Regret

Question 2: Is This Problem Pervasive?

The catastrophic thought:"I'm a failure.""I'm unlovable.""I've ruined my kids' lives.""Everything is falling apart."

When we're in crisis, we generalize. We draw sweeping conclusions from one event and apply them to our entire lives.

After a breakup, you might tell yourself you're unlovable, when the more accurate statement is, "That person and I weren't well matched."

One is a global assessment of your worth. The other is a specific observation about a specific relationship.

When we're in the middle of something hard, we can get so focused on the problem that it looks enormous. Instead, zoom out and look at the whole picture.

How to Apply This to Divorce

It's easy to allow our monkey-brains to run the show and kick us even harder when we're down. So things like: "I'm getting divorced. I've failed at marriage. I'm a failure." can all of the sudden define our self worth.

Instead, zoom out: Your marriage didn't work. That doesn't mean you're a failure as a person, a parent, a professional, a friend. One relationship ending doesn't define your entire life.

"My kids are going to be traumatized forever because of this divorce."

Zoom out: Divorce is hard on kids. But research shows that kids recover, especially when parents handle it thoughtfully. Your kids' entire childhoods, futures, and emotional wellbeing are not determined by this one event. You can still be an excellent parent. You can still raise resilient, happy kids.

"I'll never be financially stable again."

Challenge that thought with a more grounded perspective. Yes, your finances are changing. That's true. But you're not losing your ability to earn, to learn, to rebuild. Financial challenges after divorce are temporary and solvable, they're not a permanent state especially when you make a plan for navigating the financial changes coming your way.

The goal isn't to minimize real problems. It's to stop letting one hard thing bleed into every area of your life.

Question 3: Where Do I Have Agency?

The catastrophic thought:"There's nothing I can do.""I'm completely powerless.""This is all happening to me and I have no control."

Seligman originally thought that "personalization", the belief that negative events are all your fault, was the key factor in how people weathered hardship.But his research evolved.

Now he believes that agency, the ability to take actions and make decisions that affect your life, is more important.

After you've acknowledged the problem, Seligman says, ask yourself: "What can I plan to do about it?"

Pinpoint what is within your control. Write it down. You have a plan and a productive place to put your focus.

How to Apply This to Divorce

In their classic negotiation book Getting to Yes, Roger Fisher and William Ury teach a foundational principle: separate the people from the problem.

When you're in the middle of divorce, everything feels personal. But if you can shift from "this is happening to me" to "this is a situation I need to navigate," you move from reactive to strategic.

I apply this same concept to agency in divorce: Instead of asking "Why is this happening to me?" ask "What can I do about this?"

That one question shifts you from victim to problem-solver. It doesn't make the hard stuff go away, but it helps you identify what's actually within your control.

Here's how to apply it to some of the most common sticky positions I find divorcing clients in:

"My spouse controls all the finances and I have no idea what we even have."

Ask yourself, "What's within my control?" Then, get focused on identifying those points, like:

• I can pull my credit report (free at AnnualCreditReport.com)

• I can gather tax returns

• I can take photos of statements I do see

• I can hire a CDFA or forensic accountant if needed

• I can document what I know and what I don't know

That shift changes everything. How do I piece together a financial picture when I don't have full access? What can I gather now? What can I request through discovery later?

Here's something a lot of people who find my work are saying to themselves: "I don't know where to start with divorce."

Give yourself the cue: What's within my control?

• I can research divorce options (mediation, collaborative, litigation)

• I can schedule consultations with attorneys

• I can start gathering financial documents

• I can read about what to expect

• I can talk to a divorce coach (hello!) or therapist

  
  

Just like that, you've got a plan. Next ask yourself: What's the first small step I can take this week? and go from there.

This next example can paralyze even the most divorce-ready person: "I'm terrified of how my spouse will react when I tell them I want a divorce."

Ask yourself, what's within my control?

• I can control when and how I have the conversation

• I can prepare what I'll say

• I can have a plan for where I'll go if I need space

• I can line up support (therapist, friend, family)

  
  

Now you've got a plan! How do I prepare for this conversation in a way that feels as safe and clear as possible?

Agency doesn't mean you control everything. It means you identify what you CAN control and you act on that.

As attorney and communication expert Jefferson Fisher says: "You can't control what people do, but you can control how you respond." In divorce, that distinction is everything.

Putting It All Together: The 3-Question Framework

When you're spiraling during divorce, ask yourself:

1. Is this problem permanent?

• Will this still bother me in five hours? Five days? Five weeks?

• If no: let it go.

• If yes: direct your energy toward solving it.

2. Is this problem pervasive?

• Is this actually affecting every area of my life?

• What parts of my life are still stable, positive, unaffected?

• Zoom out. What's the whole picture?

3. Where do I have agency?

• What can I plan to do about this?

• What is within my control?

• What action can I take today to move forward?

Divorce is hard. I'm not suggesting you think your way out of legitimate stress.

But catastrophizing or spiraling makes everything harder. It clouds your judgment. It makes you reactive instead of strategic. It keeps you stuck in panic instead of moving toward solutions.

These three questions won't fix your marriage. They won't make divorce painless. But they will help you think clearly enough to make decisions you won't regret. And that's everything.

Ready to start preparing strategically? Sign up for my free 4-email divorce prep series. I'll walk you through exactly what to do emotionally, financially, administratively, and practically—so you can move forward with confidence and clarity.

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Keep Reading:

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• Where Do I Start with Divorce? Complete Preparation Guide for Beginners

• Trusting Your Instincts About Divorce: When You Know, You Know