Mel Robbins Just Dedicated an Episode to Divorce. Here's What Guest James Sexton Said — And How It Mirrors to What I've Been Teaching for Years.
Updated: 2 hours ago
When a high-profile divorce attorney and a top podcaster talk about divorce preparation, I listen. Here's my take.
Mel Robbins just dropped what she's calling the ultimate guide to divorce — a feature-length episode with James Sexton, one of the most prominent divorce attorneys in the country. It's getting a lot of attention, and for good reason. It covers a lot of ground. It's accessible. And it's reaching people who might not otherwise be thinking about divorce preparation at all.
Here's what James Sexton said on Mel Robbins — and here's how it mirrors what I've been teaching for years, in my own words, with my own frameworks that have helped thousands of people prepare for divorce.
I want to do this not to ride the wave of a viral podcast episode, but because I think there's real value in hearing these ideas from multiple angles. And because the points where James and I overlap are the ones I want you to hear most clearly.
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"The Pain Isn't Optional. The Damage Is."
This is the line from the episode totally resonated with me. Not just because it hits the nail on the head, but because its almost exactly what I've been saying for years, just in different words.
James opens by saying: "The pain isn't optional. There are going to be painful steps you have to take to make it through a divorce. But the damage is optional."
My version of this: divorce has an emotional side and a business side. You have to address both. The emotional pain — the grief, the loss, the disorientation — is part of the process. You cannot skip it and you shouldn't try to. But the financial damage, the legal mistakes, the decisions you'll spend years regretting? Those are not inevitable. Those come from being unprepared.
The damage is optional. Preparation is what makes it optional.
This is the entire foundation of The Divorce Planner and my coaching practice. It's why I built the frameworks, the tools, and the course. To help people prepare and move through divorce with intention, empower them with financial clarity, and prevent the damage that comes from walking into the most consequential decisions of your life without a roadmap.
The Six Stages — And Where Preparation Fits
James outlines six stages of divorce: pre-contemplative, contemplative, moment of decision, taking steps, in it, and just got out.
This framework is useful, and it maps directly to how I think about where my clients are when they come to me.
Here's how I'd describe the same stages in my own language, and where preparation becomes critical in each one:
Pre-contemplative: Something feels off but you haven't named it yet. The marriage feels like roommates running a household. The conversations are all logistics. James calls this the stage where "it's not a marriage that's broken, it's one that's been unattended." In my work, this is often when people get "divorce curious" and first start quietly reading content like mine — not because they've decided anything, but because something in them is starting to ask questions.
Contemplative: The word divorce has entered your mind. You're doing what James calls "a private trial at 3am with no defense counsel present." This is when the 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Filing for Divorce post lives. This is when people need information, not decisions. Knowledge reduces fear. Fear makes people stay stuck.
Moment of decision: You've decided. Now it's timing, logistics, and fear. This is where preparation begins in earnest — and where most people wait too long to start. James says "the conversation is the cheapest today it will ever be." I'd add: your preparation is also the cheapest today it will ever be. Every week you delay organizing your finances, gathering your documents, and understanding your rights is a week that costs you later.
Taking steps: The private becomes public. You've talked to an attorney. People know. This is where the The Complete 90-Day Divorce Preparation Blueprint lives — the window before you file where what you do determines everything that follows.
In it: The thick of it. This is where emotions are highest and where the most expensive mistakes get made. Where people try to get a feeling — vindication, closure — from a legal system that produces outcomes, not feelings. James says this clearly and I say it constantly: the legal process is logistics. Your emotional processing belongs elsewhere.
Just got out: The paperwork is done before your nervous system catches up. This is where the Reflect and Rebuild After Divorce matters most. The intentional work of figuring out who you are now and what you actually want from your next chapter. James says get a therapist before you get a dating app. I say the same thing in different words: the slow fade doesn't end when the papers are signed. The pattern work does.
"A Divorce Ends a Marriage. It Doesn't End a Family."
James says this clearly and I want to give it it's due it because it's one of the most important things anyone going through divorce with kids can hear.
You are restructuring a company you are going to co-own for the rest of your lives. Every decision you make at the table — how you communicate, how you handle conflict, how you talk about each other in front of your kids — is creating the architecture of what that co-ownership looks like for decades.
I've written about this extensively in the context of children and divorce. The research is unambiguous: kids aren't harmed by divorce. They're harmed by conflict. A calm two-home childhood beats a tense one-home childhood, every single time.
James puts it this way: "You're not protecting your children by not getting divorced. What you're choosing is what lesson they're going to learn." (I couldn't agree more.)
My version: Would you want your child to be in your marriage? If the answer is no, that's your answer.
Write Down Your Divorce Goals Before Emotions Take Over
This is gold-standard Divorce Planner 101. A divorce goals and priorities ,worksheet is in my divorce prep bundle of digital checklists, worksheets, logs and spreadsheets! James and I are in complete alignment on this. But I think most people miss a critical step.
James says to every single client, in every consultation he's ever done: write down your goals. Give them to someone you trust. Have them read them back to you when you lose sight of them, because in the emotionally up and down divorce process, you will lose sight of them.
I've been saying this for years. It's one of the first exercises in my coaching practice and in the Divorce Prep Course. Here's why it matters:
When you're in the thick of it — exhausted, emotionally activated, surrounded by attorneys and mediators and a spouse who may be adversarial — you will make decisions from wherever you are emotionally in that moment. Fear. Anger. Grief. Guilt. Exhaustion. Without a written set of goals to come back to, those emotions become your decision-making framework.
What do you actually want your post-divorce life to look like? Where do you want to live? What does your financial reality need to be? What does co-parenting look like? What are you willing to fight for and what are you willing to let go?
Know this before you're in the room. Write it down. Put it somewhere you'll see it.
James also makes a distinction I love: what do I need, what do I want, and what am I entitled to? Those are three different questions requiring three different answers. A good attorney helps you understand what you're entitled to. A good divorce coach helps you figure out what you actually need and want before you walk into that conversation.
"Get a Therapist Before You Get a Dating App"
James says this. I say this. The Post-Divorce Reflection Framework is built around exactly this idea.
The patterns you were in during marriage don't end when the papers are signed. The version of yourself that made the choices that led here — including whatever you contributed to the dynamic that ended the marriage — is the same version of yourself who will walk into a dating app, a new relationship, a new job, a new life, unless you do the intentional work of understanding what happened and who you want to become.
This is not about blame. It's about pattern recognition. And it's about the difference between a post-divorce life that's reactive — where you're still running from what you left — versus one that's intentional, where you're actually building toward something.
James says it simply: "Get a therapist before you get a dating app."
I'd add: use that time to do the reflection work. Who were you before the marriage? Who do you want to be now? What are your non-negotiables? What does your ideal next chapter actually look like? This work doesn't happen automatically. It requires intention.
What James Sexton Does Well — And What I'd Add
James Sexton is exceptional at demystifying the legal process. He's direct, experienced, and genuinely trying to give people a framework for something most people walk into blind. The episode is worth listening to.
What I'd add, and what gets undersold in a conversation driven by a legal perspective, is the preparation work that happens before you ever sit across from an attorney.
James says "the first time people learn what happened legally when they got married is in my office when the whole thing's falling apart." That's true. And it doesn't have to be.
So what can you do? Understanding your financial picture before you file. Knowing your marital standard of living and your post-divorce budget. Having your documents organized.
Setting your goals before emotions take over. Understanding your legal rights before you're sitting across from someone who knows them better than you do. Knowing how to tell your spouse you want a divorce and having a plan for the 48 hours that follow.
All of this is preparation. All of it is within your control. And all of it determines the difference between walking into the most consequential decisions of your life prepared — or walking in blind.
Like James said, the pain isn't optional. The damage is. Preparation is what makes the difference.
Where to Start: Based on Where You Are
My blog is packed with meaningful guidance and insights. Here's more information to help you educate and empower yourself, no matter where you are in the divorce process:
If you're in the pre-contemplative or contemplative (what I call "Divorce Curious") stage, read:
If you're at the moment of decision or taking steps:
If you're in it or just got out:
About Me | ALEX BEATTIE
Divorce Preparation Coach & Author
Alex Beattie is the founder of The Divorce Planner, host of The Divorce Planner Podcast, and author of the upcoming The Divorce Planner: 8 Weeks to Get Organized, Find Clarity, and Become Your Own Best Advocate (Jossey-Bass/Wiley, 2027). Learn more here.
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