10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Filing for Divorce
- Alex Beattie
- 21 hours ago
- 9 min read
Before you make any decisions, start here.
I originally published this post in 2023 and it remains one of the most-read pieces on this site, because these are the questions that actually matter before you make any decisions about divorce.
I've updated it with new resources and tools. If you're at the beginning of this process, you're in the right place.
By the time the idea of divorce has entered your head, you've usually already been through a long stretch of difficult. The arguments that go nowhere. The distance that keeps growing. The feeling that something fundamental has shifted and you're not sure it can be fixed.
Maybe you've been thinking about this for months, or even years. And now you're at the point where you need to actually figure out what comes next.
Before you do anything else, these 10 questions are worth your serious consideration. Not because they'll make the decision for you, but because they'll give you clarity about where you actually are and what you actually want, which is the foundation for every decision that follows.
One note before you dive in: if you're in a situation involving abuse, please read this first: 14 Ways to Prepare When Leaving an Abusive Marriage.
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Let's get to it with the first question:
Have I Explored All Possible Solutions?
Before making any major life decision, it's worth asking whether you've exhausted your options. That starts with professional help.
Couples therapy is the obvious first step, and it works more often than people think. As reported in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 93% of patients said they had more effective tools for managing relationship challenges after therapy. Having a neutral third-party to talk to allows you both to have a relationship translator, someone who can help you each communicate clearly where you are and what you need.
Not ready for couples therapy? Then start with individual therapy. Being able to work through where you are with a trained professional helps you separate your feelings about the marriage from your feelings about your spouse—and get clear on what you actually want.
If cost is an issue, group therapy is available at low or no cost in most areas. Check with your local community center, library, or do a quick Google search for resources near you.
If you prefer virtual support, the Circles app (circlesup.com) is worth looking into. It offers audio-only group support sessions led by certified divorce coaches and mental health professionals, available multiple times a day, seven days a week. Sessions cover divorce, separation, and related emotional challenges. It's not free, pricing starts at $29 a month after a seven-day free trial, but it's significantly less than traditional therapy and you can join anonymously, which matters when you're not ready to talk to people in your life yet.
Am I Financially Prepared for Divorce?
This is the question most people avoid. Why? Because money equals feelings, and divorce brings a lot of financial changes that can scare people into staying.
Having a clear understanding of your financial situation gives you the clarity to make decisions from a position of knowledge instead of fear. Whether you move forward with a divorce or work toward reconciliation, knowing your numbers of your life benefits you either way.
Start with the basics: Do you know what it actually costs to run your household each month? Not what you think it costs, what it actually costs. Including housing, utilities, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation, insurance, debt payments, savings, etc. The full picture.
Then ask: What would that look like on one income?
Most people are off by hundreds or thousands of dollars when they guess. Don't be that person.
The Monthly Budget Calculator walks you through every expense category so you have a real number, not an estimate, before you make any decisions.
Because you can't make good decisions about your future without knowing your actual financial reality.
→ Related Reading: The Real Cost of Divorce: How to Budget for Your Post-Divorce Life
What Impact Will Divorce Have on My Children?
If you have kids, this question can keep you up at night. "I'm breaking up the family" is a terrible mantra your brain might try to play on repeat, but deciding to end an unhealthy relationship models healthy behavior for kids.
Here's what the research actually shows: the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry has found that it's ongoing conflict between parents—not divorce itself—that causes the most harm to children. In short, how you handle the process matters more than the fact that it's happening.
Pediatrician Heather Sever, DO, puts it plainly: "When parents are going through difficult times, children perceive that, regardless of their age. So while kids may express their stresses in different ways at different ages, it's important for parents to be as open and honest as possible, even with difficult situations."
If you do separate, having a parenting plan in place from the start provides structure and stability for your kids during a time of change. Keeping their schedule as consistent as possible helps them feel secure.
→ PRO TIP: Your pediatrician is a great resource. They have experience with other families going though divorce, they see your kids regularly, know their baseline, and can flag behavioral changes early.
→ Related Reading: How to Build the Right Parenting Plan for Your Family
Am I Ready for the Changes in Living Arrangements?
Where will you live if you separate? Where will your spouse live? If you'll need to move out, what can you actually afford on your own?
These aren't easy questions, but getting ahead of them now, before you decide, prevents you from scrambling in the moment later. Proactive planning beats reactive decisions every time.
Think through the following: Will you stay in the current home or move out? Do you need to find temporary housing? What's your monthly housing budget on one income? Do you have the financial reserves to cover a deposit and first month's rent if needed?
→ PRO TIP: Map out your finances before you make any housing decisions.
How Will Divorce Impact My Overall Life Plan?
Divorce has a ripple effect that goes far beyond the immediate moment. Retirement plans change. Career decisions can shift. Long-term financial goals get restructured.
Take time to map out what the full impact could be. What plans do you currently have in place that would change? Retirement accounts, pension benefits, shared investments, estate plans, insurance beneficiaries—all of it gets reorganized in a divorce.
Start by writing down every long-term plan you currently have in place and flag which ones will need to be revisited. That list becomes your strategic preparation roadmap. The clients who do this mapping early are the ones who negotiate from a place of clarity. The ones who don't are often surprised by things they could have anticipated.
The Get Organized Toolkit ($37) helps you catalogue and value your assets, organize your important statements and documents, and provides you with logs and spreadsheets to make this must-do divorce task easy.
Am I Prepared for the Legal Process?
Getting local family law attorney and mediator referrals early gives you time to do your research without the pressure of an active filing deadline. Some attorneys offer free consultations, always ask before booking.
Before any consultation, know what you want to ask. Walking in unprepared wastes billable hours and leaves you with more questions than answers.
Before you book your first consultation, download the 24 Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney or Mediator PDF. It's a free guide for the questions that actually matter so you walk in ready, and helps you assess whether the professional is the right fit for your situation and your case.
→ Related Reading: How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation: A Step-by-Step Guide
How Will My Social Life Change?
Divorce reorganizes your social world in ways that catch people off guard. Some friends won't know how to stay close to both of you and may quietly drift toward one side, others were your spouse's friends before they became yours, and a few might surprise you with their loyalty.
None of this is personal. It's just the reality of shared lives separating.
The best thing you can do: start investing in yourself and your own interests now. The activities that bring you genuine joy put you in the best position to build new connections with people who share them.
→ PRO TIP: Don't wait until after the divorce to start rebuilding your social world. Explore taking a class, joining a group, or creating a new routine. Getting in the habit of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone will bring in new energy and meaningful experiences.
Am I Ready for Single Parenthood?
If you have kids, this one is a biggie. Going from a two-parent household to one is a significant adjustment. The small things you took for granted—trading off pickups, splitting sick days, having someone to hand things off to—are suddenly all on you.
Get ahead of this by mapping out a typical week. Print out a weekly calendar and walk through your current schedule: school drop-offs, pickups, activities, appointments, work commitments. Where are the gaps? Where would you need coverage? Where would you need backup?
Finding those gaps now gives you time to solve for them before they become crises.
Am I Stalling Because of Fear of Judgment?
I know, this sounds like an old fashioned idea, but it's easy to be influenced by outside voices. Getting honest about this question helps you trust your gut no matter what you decide.
Fear of social stigma keeps people in marriages that aren't working far longer than any other single factor -- longer than finances, longer than logistics, sometimes even longer than their own unhappiness.
You are living your life. Not anyone else's version of it. Ask yourself: what's the right decision for you, your values, and your future. Not what's most comfortable for the people around you.
Practice ways to quiet outside influences in order to trust your own judgement. Try mindfulness, journaling, therapy, exercise and getting out into nature. All of those are self-care actions. When you're good with yourself, you make decisions from a place of security and clarity.
Do I Have a Support System?
Navigating separation or divorce in isolation is one of the hardest things a person can do. Having people around you who've been through it, who can offer real insight and not just sympathy, makes an enormous difference.
If you don't have that in your immediate circle, seek it out. As mentioned earlier, support groups exist in most communities, either in person or online. Your local library or community center is a good place to start. The Circles app (circlesup.com) is another option. It's audio-only and available any time of day.
And if you're at the point where you want professional support specifically focused on preparing you for what comes next, that's exactly what my divorce prep coaching is for. A therapist works on your emotional landscape and patterns. A divorce coach is action-oriented, focused on what you need to do, and keeping you on track as you decide what your best next step is.
Both roles are important as you navigate your decision, and they work together to give you the support you need to navigate this time well.
→ Book a free 15-minute consultation with me and we'll talk through where you are and what makes sense for your situation.
Taking time to work through these questions puts you in a stronger position, not just to make the decision, but to move forward with clarity and confidence no matter what you decide.
Making decisions from a place of self-knowledge, financial clarity, and intentional preparation makes everything that follows easier.
Ready to Start Preparing?
I walk you through exactly what to do emotionally, financially, administratively, and practically— in four emails so you can move forward with confidence and clarity.
Want a complete divorce preparation system? The Divorce Prep Bundle gives you everything: document checklists, the monthly budget calculator, asset logs, spreadsheets, and step-by-step guidance to walk into every conversation prepared.
Not sure where to start? Book a free 15-minute consultation with me and we'll talk through where you are and what makes sense for your situation.
Keep Reading:
About Me | ALEX BEATTIE
Divorce Preparation Coach & Author
Alex Beattie is the founder of The Divorce Planner, host of The Divorce Planner Podcast, and author of the upcoming The Divorce Planner: 8 Weeks to Get Organized, Find Clarity, and Become Your Own Best Advocate (Jossey-Bass/Wiley, 2027). Learn more here.
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