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How to Choose a Divorce Attorney: The Questions That Actually Matter (2026 Guide)
- Alex Beattie
- 4 days ago
- 8 min read
Let's be honest: choosing a divorce attorney is one of the most important decisions you'll make during this process.
And it's also one of the most intimidating.
You're supposed to interview them like you're hiring for a job, but you're doing it while you're stressed, overwhelmed, and probably have no idea what you're even looking for.
I get it. I've been there.
So let me walk you through exactly how to choose an attorney who's the right fit—not just for your case, but for you.
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What Most People Get Wrong About Choosing an Attorney
Here's what I see all the time: people choose an attorney based on who sounds the toughest, who promises to "make them pay," or who tells them everything they want to hear.
And that's exactly how you end up spending $50,000 fighting over $10,000 worth of stuff.
New York state based family law attorney Dennis Vetrano Jr.—who's been practicing for 25 years and handles 60 to 100 divorce consultations every month—put it perfectly when we talked about this: "If someone comes in and says 'I really want to stick it to the other side,' that is not us. If that's what you want to do, you're better off with another law firm. Because what we're seeking to accomplish for you is a fair, efficient, effective result—not trying to gouge a pound of flesh out of the other side."
Your attorney is an extension of the tone you set. And whatever tone you set dictates how much you'll spend.
So before we even get to the questions you should ask, let's talk about how to prepare for these consultations.
Most people wait until they're sitting in an attorney's office to start gathering information.
That's a mistake.
Every hour you're paying an attorney to chase down your documents is billable time at $300-$400+ per hour.
Here's what you should do before your first consultation:
Gather Your Financial Documents
Have these ready:
Tax returns (last 5 years) Bank statements (all accounts, last 12 months) Credit card statements (last 12 months) Retirement account statements (401k, IRA, pension) Mortgage statements and property deeds Pay stubs (last 6 months) Business financial statements if applicable
Check out this post Divorce Preparation Guide: A Beginner's Guide for a indepth list of what to gather and how to prepare for divorce.
Fill Out a Net Worth Statement
You need to know what you own (assets), what you owe (liabilities), and what your income and expenses look like. You can use my What To Gather, Asset log, and Monthly Budget Calculator to walk through all of this. How's that for easy?
Get Clear on Your Priorities
What matters most to you? Custody arrangements? Keeping the house? Protecting your retirement? Getting through this quickly? Keeping costs down?
When you know your priorities, you can evaluate whether an attorney is focused on what actually matters to you—or just running up billable hours.
Check Your Emotional State
This is the hardest one, but it's critical.
If you're still in the "I want revenge" phase, you're not ready to hire an attorney yet. You'll make expensive decisions driven by anger instead of strategy. Instead, work with a therapist or coach first (you can book a free 15 minute consultation with me here). Process the grief and rage separately from the business decisions.
Gather Names Of Local Family Law Attorneys
Skip the Google search as your starting point. Instead:
Ask friends or family who've been through divorce
Talk to trusted colleagues who can share their experiences
Connect with local divorce support groups (or a virtual group, like on Facebook)
Ask other professionals you trust (your therapist, financial advisor)
Check your state bar association website
Once you have a list of names, research their background, read reviews, check their bar standing, and look at their website to get a feel for their approach.
Then schedule consultations with at least three attorneys. Many offer free initial consultations—ask before you book.
Come to your consultation with these questions written down. Take notes. This is a job interview, and you're the one doing the hiring.
What Percentage of Your Practice Focuses on Family Law?
You want an attorney who dedicates at least 50-75% of their practice to family law and divorce. This ensures they're current on divorce laws, procedures, and local court practices.
Don't hire a general practice attorney who "also does divorce." You need someone who lives and breathes this stuff.
What Is Your Hourly Rate and Billing Structure?
Get specific. Ask about: Their hourly rate Billing increments (do they bill in 6-minute or 15-minute increments?) Rates for paralegals and support staff How they handle email and phone calls Payment plans or financing options
The national average for a contested divorce is about $16,800 to $17,000 in attorney fees per person. And that's just attorney fees—it doesn't include additional costs.
A "contested" divorce doesn't mean you're fighting over everything. It just means you're not in agreement on all the issues yet: child support, spousal support, custody, asset division.
If your case drags on—discovery battles, hidden assets, contentious custody—that number climbs fast.
Do You Require a Retainer Fee?
Understand: How much the initial retainer is (often $5,000-$7,000) How it's applied to your bills When you'll need to replenish it What happens to unused retainer funds
What Are the Hidden Costs I Should Know About?
This is where a lot of people get blindsided. Ask about:
Business valuations (if there's a business involved) Real estate appraisals (especially for income-producing property)
Forensic evaluations for custody issues (these can cost $25,000-$30,000 for a single evaluation)
Equipment and vehicle valuations Expert witnesses (CPAs, financial analysts)
The more you know upfront, the less you'll be shocked later.
How Do You Handle High-Conflict Situations?
Pay very close attention to their answer. If they lean into the conflict, or talk about making them "hurt" —run.
You want an attorney who focuses on efficient, fair resolution. Someone who understands that every fight costs you money and emotional energy.
What's Your Experience with Parenting Plans?
If you have kids, this is critical. Ask about:
Their approach to custody arrangements
Experience with complex scheduling
Methods for resolving parenting disputes Philosophy on what's "best for the kids"
You want an attorney who understands that custody is often the most emotionally charged part of divorce—and that everything else (finances, support, assets) often flows from who has the kids most of the time.
What Are the Divorce Laws in Our State?
Every state is different. Ask:
Are you in a "no fault" state? Community property or equitable distribution? How is spousal support determined? What's the typical custody arrangement? How long does the process take?
You need an attorney who can explain your state's laws in plain English without making you feel stupid for asking.
What Do You Expect from Me to Keep Costs Down?
Good attorneys will tell you: be organized, be responsive, don't call for every little thing, trust the process.
As a family law attorney recently shared with me: "I don't want to do the admin work. I don't want to do the non-legal work. When we're just trying to pull teeth to get information— 'Well, why do they need this? Why do they need this document?'—that's when cases get expensive."
Whatever your attorney asks for, they need it. Have it ready. Don't make them chase you down.
Want All the Questions in One Place?
These 8 questions are just the beginning. I've created a comprehensive guide with 24 questions to ask during your attorney or mediator consultations—plus space to take notes, compare responses, and keep track of who said what.
Download 24 Questions To Ask A Divorce Attorney Or Mediator and walk into your consultations organized, prepared, and confident. No more forgetting what you wanted to ask or scrambling to remember which attorney said what.
Some warning signs that this attorney is NOT the right fit:
They Promise Revenge
If they're telling you "They won't know what hit them," that's not an attorney—that's someone who's going to run up your bill while feeding your anger.
They Don't Ask About Your Goals
If they jump straight into strategy without understanding what you actually want, they're not listening.
They're Vague About Costs
If they won't give you straight answers about fees, billing, or what things actually cost—huge red flag.
They Encourage Emotional Decision-Making
You want an attorney who helps you separate the emotional side from the business side, not one who feeds into the drama.
They Tell You Everything You Want to Hear
If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. You want honesty, not empty promises.
They Don't Communicate Clearly
If you're confused in the consultation, imagine how confused you'll be six months into your case.
Beyond the questions and the credentials, here's what you need in an attorney:
Someone Who Communicates Clearly
You should understand what they're saying. If they're talking in legal jargon you can't follow, they're not the right fit.
Someone Who Makes You Feel Heard
You don't need them to be your therapist, but you do need to feel like they're actually listening to your concerns and priorities.
Someone with Relevant Experience
Have they handled cases like yours? Do they know the local courts and judges? Are they familiar with the issues you're facing?
Someone Who's Transparent
About costs, timelines, strategy, likely outcomes—all of it. You shouldn't have to guess.
Someone Who's Focused on Solutions
Not drama. Not revenge. Not running up billable hours. Solutions.
Making Your Final Decision
After your consultations, ask yourself:
Did I feel comfortable with this person? Did they listen to my concerns? Were they transparent about costs and process? Do they have experience with cases like mine? Do I trust them to advocate for me effectively? Can I afford them? Do their values align with mine?
If the answer to most of these is yes, you've probably found your attorney. If you're not sure, schedule another consultation or two. This is too important to rush.
Choosing the right attorney can save you thousands of dollars and months of stress.
Choosing the wrong one can turn an already difficult process into a nightmare.
Take your time. Do your research. Come prepared. Ask hard questions. Trust your gut.
And remember: your attorney should be helping you get from where you are now to where you want to be—as efficiently and fairly as possible.
Ready to Prepare for Your Attorney Consultations?
Don't walk into consultations unprepared. Download my 24 Questions To Ask A Divorce Attorney Or Mediator—a comprehensive guide that includes:
✓ 24 essential questions organized by category
✓ Space to take detailed notes for each attorney
✓ Comparison worksheets so you can see responses side-by-side
✓ Decision-making framework
Being prepared before your consultation will save you time, money, and stress—and help you choose the right attorney the first time.
Also helpful:
My Monthly Budget Calculator to understand your financial reality before you walk into that first meeting
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